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Joke Thread

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old folk's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room.

Later that night they did just that.Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?" "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men:D
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea.
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Witchdoctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says "This is powerful
healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Opportunist's Tale

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's". :)
 

CLAVIE

sexe on the beach
Sep 6, 2006
539
14
18
www.pornoxo.com
metoo4 said:
Clavie, that's no joke. It's so fuckin true for some peoples... :( I don't think this should be in this thread.


thebitchelor said:
sorry but i'm agree with metoo4, CLAVIE:(...they could put this advertising to warn people against "le jeu compulsif"...not in a pokerroom website


Ok you're right and I'm apology ! Now this is a joke : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldDFsQS_fHo&feature=channel_page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jczX96-9rbs&feature=channel_page
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Listening To The Voices

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterward and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said,
"... but they probably weren't veterinarians" :eek:
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Actual Things Said In Court

Q: What is the date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


:D
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Tell The Truth

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
 

naughtylady

New Member
Nov 9, 2003
2,079
2
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montreal
Got to admire those old ladies!

An old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped and every once in a
while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me....'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'why not make the best of it?' So now, on game days, I stand behind the
fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.

Every time some guy sticks it through my fence, I surprise him and say,
'O.K.., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.'
 
Apr 16, 2005
994
1
0
For the Ladies..........Ever happen to you?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my
Husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise! Well, the hours passed
And the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I
Headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
Cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
Times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
Totally smashed 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
MIDNIGHT he didn't seem pissed off in the least.Whew, I got away with that
One!
Then he said We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
Times, then said oh shit. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
Cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
Tripped over the coffee table and farted.:eek: :eek:
 
Apr 16, 2005
994
1
0
A Bic?

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota*opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.** Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box,** he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.** 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.*?* Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....* flying directly overhead.Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,* * I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'* Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.* * Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
 

naughtylady

New Member
Nov 9, 2003
2,079
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God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!
 

Shiver MeTimber

Piratical Nerve
Jun 25, 2006
51
0
0
The Crow's Nest
Hygiene First

"We Specialize In Hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.


The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.

"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.

"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"

"Hygiene!", said the baker. "When I have a pee I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my pud."

"How do you put it back?", asked the customer.

With the tongs", replied the baker. :eek:
 
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