Joke Thread

[Mike Mercury]

The lesbian couples next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

One gay guy says to the other "My ass itches, will you have a look?"
The other gay guy looks "I don't see anything."
"Can you put a finger in?"
"Sure"
"Can you put four fingers in?"
"Sure."
"Reach in as far as you can and root around"
The guÿ does that. "There's something in there, lemme pull it out, its a Rolex watch."
"Happy birthday Darling!"

 

[johnmbot]

two irish men walk out of a bar...
yea, it's possible.

 

[johnmbot]

gay dude standing at a bar, having a drink...
another gay dude approaches from behind and asks...
'may i push in your stool?'

 

[naughtylady]

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a red-haired, green-eyed daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts , 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[strings]

Youtube, twitter and facebook will merge early next year and form a new company.

Their new website will be: youtwitface.com

 

[Jack_Bauer]

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God never pretends to be a doctor.


La différence entre le bon dieu et un médecin?

Le bon dieu ne se prend jamais pour un médecin.

 

[Just Alex]

Man in Pub

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

 

[montreal_monk01]

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

Lol..Good one!

 

[CLAVIE]

12 year old calls prostitute

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoGJIbYNJ7g

 

[Agrippa]

Some are good, some are bad...

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes.asp

 

[Maxime]

Faites-moi une phrase avec HABITACLE, et une autre phrase avec KASHTIN (du groupe québécois du même nom).

 

[Just Alex]

tgif

There is this girl and her father walks into her bedroom and she's sitting there with a vibrator
in her hand. Her father says "jenny what the hell are you doing?!" and she says im 42 and i
live at home with my parents i have no life! So he walks out of the room with his head down.
The next day jenny go's to have a drink at the local pub orders a drink and see's her father.
drink in one hand and the vibrator in the other and jenny says "what the hell are you doing?!!"
and he says having a drink with my son in law.

 

[YouVantOption]

Weirdest perverted video

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/11/nsfw_nsfw_wtf_did_i_just_watch.php

 

[nacho]

Cajun Wives are Tough

Boudreaux lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets
wafting up the stairs.

{pronounced BEN-Yay} for you non-Louisianans

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the
door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon
waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite beignets.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the beignets was
already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"STOP!!", she said. * "Those are for the funeral.."

 

[naughtylady]

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

 

[Mod 11]

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1682246

Either in the Quebec lounge or here, still not more funny IMHO.
It's not allowed to post the same thing in two places.

 

[Bat Crusader]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)



You can't be too careful guys !!!

 

[Bat Crusader]

La position du rodéo !


Dans le lit, une nouvelle position à essayer ! ! !

Elle s'appelle La position Rodéo !





1°/ Retournez madame sur le ventre

2°/ Pénétrez-la délicatement

3°/ Prenez ses seins des deux mains

4°/ Et dites à haute voix : "On dirait vraiment ceux de ma secrétaire !"

5°/ A partir de là IL FAUT TENIR 8 secondes ! ! !

Bonne chance ! ! !

 

[Doc Holliday]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps,My friend is dead What can I do? The operator says "Calm down, i can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone,the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[Doc Holliday]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married. "Oh,I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible! But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."