Joke Thread

[Doc Holliday]

The Pick-Up Line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Listen here good looking. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . .it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded:

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

[Doc Holliday]

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and
then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And
you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality.




Whispering.....






Dave.......







Dave.........








Dave........






Dave ...........






Dave........








.........you're a vet Dave.

 

[naughtylady]

What would you do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed – and there his wife lies in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”

- HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.

- HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.

- HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.

- HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.

- HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”

The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

 

[Lone Rider]

A police officer came upon a tragic wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a small monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the demolished car. Looking down at the monkey, the officer said, "Boy, I sure wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"Can you understand what I'm saying?" the officer asked.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Did you see this happen?" asked the officer.
"Yes," the monkey motioned.
"Can you tell me what happened?" the officer inquired.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking then?" the officer asked.
The monkey shook his head "Yes."
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" the officer inquired.
The monkey shook his head "Yes."
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey puckered his lips and motioned "kissing".
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shook his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked," the officer said.
The monkey shook his head "Yes."
"Well, what were you doing during all of this?" asked the officer.
"Driving" the monkey motioned.

 

[Rodster]

Black Panties

I'll credit this to another Board I'm on.
---------------------------------------------------------
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[naughtylady]

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money. Fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, we’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. They ask: "Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says:
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We’re outta here."

 

[naughtylady]

Some One Liners

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and ' aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

 

[naughtylady]

Great Truths About Growing Old

Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

[naughtylady]

Angry Wife

Angry Wife

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[naughtylady]

need new material, the last three are as old as the mounds on yer granny's chest.

The angry wife was new to me...

instead of complaining why don't you share some more of your jokes with us?

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

 

[Regular Guy]

Colin the Aborigine
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?





Colin said,
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

 

[HornyForEver]

Mari démoralisé

M. le responsable de l'Assistance technique,

Il y a un an et demi j'ai changé ma version Fiancée 7.0 par la version Épouse 1.0 et j'ai observé que le programme a lancé une application inattendue appelée Bébé 1.0 qui prend beaucoup d'espace dans mon disque dur. Dans la notice, cette application n'est pas mentionnée.
D'autre part, Epouse 1.0 s'auto installe dans tous les autres programmes, et se lance automatiquement dès que j'ouvre n'importe quelle autre application, parasitant l'exécution de celle-ci.

Des applications telles que CaféAvecCopains 10.3 ou Footdudimanche soir 5.0 ne fonctionnent plus. De plus, de temps en temps se lance un programme occulte (virus ?) appelé BelleMerre 1.0 lequel, soit plante le système, soit fait que Epouse 1.0 se comporte de manière totalement inattendue.
Je n'arrive pas à désinstallation d' Epouse 1.0 me semble fort complexe et je ne mesure pas encore bien les risques que cela peut comporter pour les autres applications comme Bébé 1.0, qui je l'avoue est très convivial.
Pouvez-vous m'aider ?

Un utilisateur démoralisé.

RÉPONSE
Cher Utilisateur :

Votre plainte est très fréquente parmi les utilisateurs, mais elle est due la plupart du temps à une erreur de conception de base : Beaucoup d'utilisateurs passent de n'importe quelle version de Fiancée X.0 à Epouse1.0 avec l'idée fausse que Epouse1.0 n'est qu'un programme d'utilitaires et de [divertissemen Cependant, Épouse 1.0 est bien plus que ça : il s'agit d'un SYSTEME D'EXPLOITATION COMPLET, créé pour contrôler et gérer toutes vos applications. Même problème avec BelleMerereX.0.
Ces programmes sont d'anciennes générations, desquels dérive Epouse X.0 et entraînent souvent des problèmes de compatibilité. Avec un peu de chance, ils finissent par être victime d'un virus et disparaissent au bout de plusieurs années.

Évitez aussi l'utilisation excessive des touches ESCAPE ou SUPPRIMER, car vous devrez ensuite utiliser la commande C:\faire_des_excuses.exe /fleurs/all pour que le programme refonctionne normalement. Epouse1.0 est un programme assez intéressant, mais qui peut générer un coût élevé, s'il est mal utilisé. Je vous conseille d'installer un software additionnel pour améliorer la rentabilité d'Epouse1.0. Comme Fleurs 5.0, Bijoux 2.3, ou bien Sejour_au_Club_Med1.2. Vous pouvez aussi vous servir de Oui_mon_amour8.0 ou bien de Tu_as_raison_ma_chérie14.7. Vous pouvez les télécharger sur Internet, leurs résultats sont assez satisfaisants.

ATTENTION : n'installez jamais Secrétaire_en_minijupe3.3 ou Petite_amie 1.1. Ces programmes ne fonctionnent pas dans l'univers d'Epouse1.0 et pourraient causer des dommages irréversibles dans le système.
Bonne chance.

 

[naughtylady]

Find Jesus?

Find Jesus?

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Leopold Stotch]

A man walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.

The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

The man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDMV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

While the man is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when he returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

The man replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

 

[CS Martin]

A Few Fun Facts...

*************editted***********

 

[Montreal Sex City]

Le Salaire du Pénis..

LE PÉNIS...

Moi, le Pénis, je déclare demander une augmentation de salaire pour les
raisons suivantes:

Je travaille physiquement.
Je travaille à de grandes profondeurs.
Je plonge tête première dans tout ce que je fais.
Je n'ai pas congé les fins de semaine ni les jours fériés.
Je travaille dans un environnement humide.
Je travaille dans un endroit sombre et avec une mauvaise ventilation.
Je travaille à des températures extrêmes.
Mon travail m'expose à des maladies contagieuses.

Sincèrement,
Le Pénis ...


L'ADMINISTRATION...

Après avoir étudié votre demande et avoir considéré les arguments que vous
avez soulevés, l'administration rejette votre requête pour les
raisons suivantes:

Vous ne travaillez pas 8 heures d'affilées.
Vous vous endormez après de courtes périodes de travail.
Vous ne suivez pas toujours les instructions données par l'administration.
Vous ne demeurez pas toujours dans la zone de travail assignée et êtes
souvent surpris à visiter d'autres endroits.
Vous ne prenez pas d'initiative.
Vous devez être sous pression et stimulé afin de commencer à travailler.
Vous laissez le lieu de travail sale à la fin de votre quart de travail.
Vous n'observez pas toujours les règles de sécurité, telles que porter
l'équipement protecteur approprié.
Vous allez prendre votre retraite bien avant d'avoir 65 ans.
Vous êtes incapable de faire deux quarts de travail de suite.
Vous quittez votre lieu de travail avant d'avoir terminé la tâche assignée.
Et si ce n'était pas suffisant, vous êtes constamment vu à rentrer et
sortir du lieu de travail avec deux sacs à l'aspect douteux.

Sincèrement,
L'Administration.

 

[Mike Mercury]

This was in the movie The Experiment in german with english subtitles.

Q: What kind of animal only has one vulva?
A: Half a roast chicken.


I've told this joke as follows:
Q: What kind of animal only has one breast?
A: Half a roast chicken.

and
Q: Quel animal n'a qu’une poitrine.
R: Un demi-poulet rôti.

 

[JLB]

bra sizes

ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
{F} - Fake.

 

[JLB]

watch

The lesbian couples next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

 

[hungry101]

Holy Prostitutes - (Not all that funny but certainly applies to this forum)

Holy Prostitutes:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business......'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU
RIGHT, YOU SINNER