Joke Thread

[Mike Mercury]

This was in the movie The Experiment in german with english subtitles.

Q: What kind of animal only has one vulva?
A: Half a roast chicken.


I've told this joke as follows:
Q: What kind of animal only has one breast?
A: Half a roast chicken.

and
Q: Quel animal n'a qu’une poitrine.
R: Un demi-poulet rôti.

 

[JLB]

bra sizes

ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
{F} - Fake.

 

[JLB]

watch

The lesbian couples next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

 

[hungry101]

Holy Prostitutes - (Not all that funny but certainly applies to this forum)

Holy Prostitutes:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business......'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU
RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[Mike Mercury]

The lesbian couples next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

One gay guy says to the other "My ass itches, will you have a look?"
The other gay guy looks "I don't see anything."
"Can you put a finger in?"
"Sure"
"Can you put four fingers in?"
"Sure."
"Reach in as far as you can and root around"
The guÿ does that. "There's something in there, lemme pull it out, its a Rolex watch."
"Happy birthday Darling!"

 

[johnmbot]

two irish men walk out of a bar...
yea, it's possible.

 

[johnmbot]

gay dude standing at a bar, having a drink...
another gay dude approaches from behind and asks...
'may i push in your stool?'

 

[naughtylady]

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a red-haired, green-eyed daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts , 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[strings]

Youtube, twitter and facebook will merge early next year and form a new company.

Their new website will be: youtwitface.com

 

[Jack_Bauer]

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God never pretends to be a doctor.


La différence entre le bon dieu et un médecin?

Le bon dieu ne se prend jamais pour un médecin.

 

[Just Alex]

Man in Pub

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

 

[montreal_monk01]

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

Lol..Good one!

 

[CLAVIE]

12 year old calls prostitute

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoGJIbYNJ7g

 

[Agrippa]

Some are good, some are bad...

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes.asp

 

[Maxime]

Faites-moi une phrase avec HABITACLE, et une autre phrase avec KASHTIN (du groupe québécois du même nom).

 

[Just Alex]

tgif

There is this girl and her father walks into her bedroom and she's sitting there with a vibrator
in her hand. Her father says "jenny what the hell are you doing?!" and she says im 42 and i
live at home with my parents i have no life! So he walks out of the room with his head down.
The next day jenny go's to have a drink at the local pub orders a drink and see's her father.
drink in one hand and the vibrator in the other and jenny says "what the hell are you doing?!!"
and he says having a drink with my son in law.

 

[YouVantOption]

Weirdest perverted video

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/11/nsfw_nsfw_wtf_did_i_just_watch.php

 

[nacho]

Cajun Wives are Tough

Boudreaux lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets
wafting up the stairs.

{pronounced BEN-Yay} for you non-Louisianans

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the
door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon
waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite beignets.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the beignets was
already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"STOP!!", she said. * "Those are for the funeral.."

 

[naughtylady]

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

 

[Mod 11]

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1682246

Either in the Quebec lounge or here, still not more funny IMHO.
It's not allowed to post the same thing in two places.