Joke Thread

[Doc Holliday]

How the fight started

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said , 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No', she answered.

I then said , 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time , simply saying 'Yes..'

So I said , 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

 

[Jman47]

Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,
"Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

 

[lgna69xxx]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a red sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are red sox fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a red sox fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a red sox fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Yankees fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Yankees fan?"

"Because my mom is a Yankees fan, and my dad is Yankees fan, so I'm a Yankees fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Yankees fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a RED SOX fan."

 

[JH Fan]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a red sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are red sox fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a red sox fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a red sox fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Yankees fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Yankees fan?"

"Because my mom is a Yankees fan, and my dad is Yankees fan, so I'm a Yankees fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Yankees fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a RED SOX fan."

Woh ! too much fan stuff in there... my bell kept ringing while yu posted this !

 

[JH Fan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act or rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Told you it's finger lickin' good!!!

These ones were very good !

Now lets add some more :

SARAH PALIN
I know all about chicken. The crossing of the chicken's got to be all about job creation.
It's a multi-faceted solution to our economy.

 

[jeff jones]

TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.



Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----



In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."


You got to love them both!

 

[CS Martin]

It's been a tough year and I realize everyone is not as lucky as I am......


If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to
call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and
learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I
called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in
Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and
asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[CS Martin]

I don't know what to say about this: http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html.

 

[ops_com]

I don't know what to say about this: http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html.

WTF Unbelievable

 

[Merlot]

Language Barrier.

Hello all,

http://www.low5.dk/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/DenSjoveAraber.jpg



Merlot

 

[Jman47]

What do you call 47 millionaires, all dressed alike watching the Super Bowl?

The Dallas Cowboys

 

[Jman47]

News Flash...

Little boy, age 5 gets lost in Anytown, USA. Police find him, take him to the station and get him calmed down. Officer says to the boy..."Ok now you need to tell us where your mommy lives so we can take you to her."
The boy exclaims..."Oh no don't take me to her, she beats me."

Officer regroups and says... "Ok then well then tell us where your daddy lives, we will take you to him."
Once again the boy exclaims..."Oh no don;t take me to him, he beats me."

Taken back and now getting a little frustrated, the officer doesn't know what to do. He thinks a moment and finally askes the boy, "Well surely there is somewhere you are comfortable...where came we take you?"

Without hesitating the boy quickly responds: "Take me to Dallas, they can't beat anyone!"

 

[Regular Guy]

FEMALE COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No". So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No". So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been fucked?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".



She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

 

[lgna69xxx]

There were two men, one was a Red Sox fan and the other was a Yankees fan.

These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.

Both men accepted the challenge.

That night, the woman had sex with the Red Sox fan and then the other night had sex with the Yankees fan. The next day the woman chose the Yankees fan to be her boyfriend.

Shocked and outraged, the Red Sox fan asked why she didn't choose him.

She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"

 

[Regular Guy]

Political Correctness

There is an annual* contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate* definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was:*"Political* Correctness".

The winner* wrote:“* Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical* minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which* holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a* piece of shit by the clean end.”

 

[Agrippa]

The Five Secrets to a Perfect Relationship

1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans, and has a job.
2. It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

[lgna69xxx]

Next year, 2011, Groundhog Day and Obama's State of the Union address will occur on the same date. One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

 

[Agrippa]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

 

[Leopold Stotch]

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowblower?

Buy her a snowblower!

 

[lgna69xxx]

apparently many years ago...neither the Leafs nor the habs were in post-season play... so they decided to have a competition between them...ice fishing...
so, montreal demanded home ice, and they went to Quebec, and picked their spots, and after the first day..the Leafs were up 100-0
the second day, they go to ontario, again, picking their spots...and the Leafs once again are up 100-0, or 200-0 if you prefer...
they go back to Quebec...and the coach of the habs thinks that Toronto might be cheating...so he tells one of his guys to dress as a Leafs player and join them and report what's happening...
the hab sneaks in...watches all day..and tells the habs coach after...
"yup coach, they sure were cheating"... the coach asks what the Leafs were doing...
and the spy replies... "they cut holes in the ice"