Joke Thread

[Jman47]

A teacher asks her students if they are Yankees fans.
One of them says, “No, my Dad is a Red Sox fan, my Mom is a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.”
So the teacher says, “Well, that’s not very good; if your mother and father were both morons, would that make you a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a New York Yankees fan.”

 

[sweetwater]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Sweetwater

 

[sweetwater]

A penguin is driving across the desert when his car starts to make funny noises. He pulls into a little roadside gas station to have it checked out. While the mechanic has a look the penguin buys an ice cream bar.
The mechanic walks up to the penguin a few moments later and says, “Looks you blew a seal.”
“Oh, no! No!”, the penguin says. “That’s just ice cream!”

Sweetwater

 

[RobinX]

Translating Women's and Men's English

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

 

[Onfray]

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together
. . . .and then shit on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because ....
by then your body & your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'


If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder
and your hand over my mouth . . ..
. . . . .. AMEN!

 

[StefanoUS]

Man is sitting at home with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me ............. Talking to the beer."

 

[StefanoUS]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[Joe Kerr]

Jimmy Fallon on Prince William's bachelor party

" It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's g string when every bill has a picture of your grandma printed on it."

 

[lgna69xxx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcOeZIQX7Y8

 

[YoungBob]

Tennis Elbow

Because I thought that was the best joke ever, I had copied it to my PC. I just found it again. Here it goes:

My elbow really hurts

One day, Alex complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that as there's a computer at the drugstore. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it, it only costs $10.00". Alex figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drugstore. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOUR. IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine sample from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER.

YOUR DOG HAS WORMS. GIVE HIM VITAMINS.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. PUT HER IN A RE-HABILITATION CLINIC.

YOUR WIFE'S PREGNANT - TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELB0W WILL NEVER GET BETTER !!!!!!!!

 

[Estrie boy]

Un homme se cogne contre une femme dans un hall d'hôtel. Durant la collision son coude butte contre la poitrine de celle-ci. Ils sont tout deux surpris. L'homme se tourne vers elle et dit : Madame, si votre coeur est aussi doux que votre poitrine, je sais que vous me pardonnerez.Ce à quoi elle répond :Si votre queue est aussi dure que votre coude, je suis dans la chambre 221

 

[Bat Crusader]

nothing to add...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3oT_hyRPms

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

My Boy Lollipop

I thought of all of Merb's BBW's when I saw this.


http://www.youporn.com/watch/103170/my-boy-lollipop/?from=related3&al=2&from_id=589855&pos=12

 

[jeff jones]

The Porch


A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[RobinX]

See your name tattooed on a lady

http://www.dilmaza.com/intro/

 

[Doc Holliday]

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I did a double-take a few minutes ago when i saw this add by Satin Dreamz. It almost seems like the `legendary Peter` is now available for PSE Greek Services!!!

See for yourself:

https://merb.cc/vbulletin/showthread.php?74728-%26%239733%3B%26%239733%3B%26%239733%3B-BEST-GIRLFRIEND-EXPERIENCE-%26%239733%3B-Legendary-Peter-*SD-%26%239733%3B-1-GFE-PSE-GREEk-SERVICES-%26%239733%3B%26%239733%3B%26%239733%3B

 

[Leopold Stotch]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.? The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man, "picture this: I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

 

[Doink]

Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats Joke

Probably the dirtiest joke I've ever heard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

 

[StefanoUS]

My wife says to me the other night

"How come we don't make love like they do
in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed
her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

 

[StefanoUS]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'