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Thread: Seeking advise

  1. #1

    Seeking advise

    Yesterday I learnt a horrible truth that my girlfriend for 5 years had
    been sexually abused while she was a little kid. She is now 22,
    however throughout when she was 14 to 16 the bother of her step
    father, who was then around 38-40, had touched her sexually around her
    intimate parts and had her perform oral sex on him several times. She
    had kept this in secret for all this years and finally told me
    yesterday. She doesnt want to tell anybody else because she doesnt
    want to cause any pain or remorse on her mom and relatives for not noticing or not being able to help her.

    The guy in question was recently question by the police due to the
    fact that he had paid to see child pornography on the internet, he has
    2 little kids ( girls ) aged 12 -13 and while my girlfriend doesnt
    think he does the same thing to them Im afraid that he does it to
    their friends or thier babysitters.

    However my main concern is as a boyfriend what should I do? I know
    this has caused her a lot of pain throughout the time it happened
    which was multiple times, and up until now. Should I encourage her to
    tell her mom ? I would love for her to visit a psychiatrist to help
    her overcome any damage that he may have done, but I dont know where
    to look or to start.

    I would appreciate any advise that you can give me

  2. #2
    I am me, too!
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    First and most important: be very careful about opinions you might get here. This is a very delicate and sensitive subject, as you stressed. Not to say you won't get any good opinion here, you certainly will get good suggestion because some here have extensive life experience but, remember to see them as somebody else's point of view of the subject. You have no way to know who's who here so, strange peoples might be around... Use whatever you get here and add it to the mix of what you get elsewhere then, shake carefully, analyze the result and see what you can do, if anything.

    My bet would be to, as you said, have her to consult professionnals. She will then be able to see if it's worth the emotional trouble FOR HER to go thru a reveal to other. Once she can explained to herself how she feel and why, and get rid of any possible guilt, the rest will be easier.
    Last edited by metoo4; 01-11-2007 at 12:42 PM.

  3. #3
    get HER to consult a professional (psychologist). Do not try to deal with this yourself, as it is above your head...!, and most of the people on this site...(no insult intended!)

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by pboivin
    get HER to consult a professional (psychologist). Do not try to deal with this yourself, as it is above your head...!, and most of the people on this site...(no insult intended!)
    Yes, thats the way to go about this. Professionals know what they are doing. Otherwise, you may do more harm, while trying to do good. You can be supportive by listening, and thats all you can do, listen. Of course as soon as you realize that this is taking a toll on you then it maybe time to cut that relationship off. Finally, if and when she decides to talk to a professional, in the event she asks you to participate or meet that professional too, decline! Reason being, if she is messed up you don't want to end up messed up too.

  5. #5
    Yeap...

    For once, the merbites are actually taking a thread seriously. (no insult to our merbites though... just that most of us like to make jokes. )

    As they mentioned... it is DEFINATELY best to consult a professional... they get paid $50/hour for a reason.... they know about shit like this and how to deal with it... this is not something you or me or anyone else on this site can really understand COMPLETELY.... we'll never understand exactly how it happened or what went through her head all these years... so definately invest the money and seek ur GF some professional help if you really care about her.

    As previously noted, only thing you can do to help her, is to listen to her, be there for her, and take her to get professional help. Other than that.... it might not be such a great idea to voice your ideas and thoughts and opinions to her... but truthfully speaking, I would imagine the pyschiatrist will most likely tell her, "you must go to the police and tell them all of this so that you can prevent him from doing this to anyone else or maybe even to his own children!" But again... they have experience in this and know what they're talking about.... they psychiatrist will show ur gf the door, now she has to decide if she wants to open it and walk through it or not....

    Hope it works out for you and ur gf. Update us on this story if you want.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by LoungeLizard
    ............ Of course as soon as you realize that this is taking a toll on you then it maybe time to cut that relationship off.
    I disagree; don't bolt when she needs you most.
    Quote Originally Posted by LoungeLizard
    Finally, if and when she decides to talk to a professional, in the event she asks you to participate or meet that professional too, decline! ...........
    Again, I disagree; same reason as before.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by chef
    I disagree; don't bolt when she needs you most.
    Again, I disagree; same reason as before.

    lol, lizard you schmuck... lol...

    like chef said, if you really care about the girl and love her and want to fix the problem, listen to her, go with her to psychiatrist and whatever else she needs to help her overcome this problem.... once she's overcome it, or at least deal with the problem... she'll love you even more and be super grateful you were there for her when she needed you most...

    BUT.... if you don't care about her and think this is just a waste of time and you'd maybe prefer be with someone else with less problems... then lizard is right on the money!

    Seeing that she trusted you enough to tell you about this though... and being the ONLY person she's ever told this to... you should be a man and help her deal with this ordeal... she told you cause she trusts you. Don't fuck up her life even more by breaking her trust and not helping her.... good luck.

  8. #8
    Just another fool
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    This is pretty serious stuff and you probably shouldn`t be coming to https://merb.cc for advice but since you did. I agree with the rest about asking a pro but as a human being you have a responsibility to that mans kids. Damn the family, I would rather ruffle some feathers and protect those children. I would speak to your girlfriend and tell her that the uncle needs to be confronted by the family. That means involving the mother and all the rest. If he has kids and there is the slightest possibility that he`s taking advantage of them then you need to man up and take charge.

    Some times you have to forget about what`s easy and do what`s right!

    Children come first, every single time.

    All of this said, it`s always easier to give advice like this then follow it. I wish you the best of luck and our thoughts are with you
    Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
    Plato

  9. #9
    Mired in the red dust.
    Join Date
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    Montreal
    Posts
    388
    Quote Originally Posted by Actionkros
    Yesterday I learnt a horrible truth that my girlfriend for 5 years had
    been sexually abused while she was a little kid. She is now 22,
    however throughout when she was 14 to 16 the bother of her step
    father, who was then around 38-40, had touched her sexually around her
    intimate parts and had her perform oral sex on him several times. She
    had kept this in secret for all this years and finally told me
    yesterday. She doesnt want to tell anybody else because she doesnt
    want to cause any pain or remorse on her mom and relatives for not noticing or not being able to help her.

    The guy in question was recently question by the police due to the
    fact that he had paid to see child pornography on the internet, he has
    2 little kids ( girls ) aged 12 -13 and while my girlfriend doesnt
    think he does the same thing to them Im afraid that he does it to
    their friends or thier babysitters.

    However my main concern is as a boyfriend what should I do? I know
    this has caused her a lot of pain throughout the time it happened
    which was multiple times, and up until now. Should I encourage her to
    tell her mom ? I would love for her to visit a psychiatrist to help
    her overcome any damage that he may have done, but I dont know where
    to look or to start.

    I would appreciate any advise that you can give me
    I, sadly, have some experience in this area. I can't give details, but I can tell you that your role as boyfriend is to support your girlfriend and help her decide what she wants to do. Everything must be her decision. That includes: whether and when to see a psychologist, tell her family, confront the perpetrator and so on. Avoid lecturing her or becoming shrill. It is in handling this kind of situation with a gentle hand that you will show what kind of man you are.

    Most importantly, make sure she knows that nothing has changed between you and her. This will give her an amazing amount of confidence in deciding what she wants to do.

    Feel free to PM me.
    Last edited by Fat Happy Buddha; 01-11-2007 at 04:23 PM.

  10. #10

    Get help from a professional

    In my humble opinion, any kind of child abuse is about as serious an issue as there is. You should do everything you can to support your girlfriend. She has spoken to you about something that is extremely difficult for victims to open up about, so that shows that she trusts you unconditionally and she is reaching out for your support. It sometimes takes years. even decades for victims to come to terms with what they have been through and only then can they start to talk about it. This is a malor step in the healing process.

    As some of the others have suggested, it would be a heroic thing if she could find the strength to confront the monster because now that he is around a whole new group of young girls that fit the profile of his former target, they are all at risk of suffering the same fate as your girlfriend did a few years ago.

    I would also suggest that you and she read the book by Sheldon Kennedy called Why I Didn't Say Anything, The Sheldon Kennedy Story. Even though each and every case of abuse is unique, there are certain similarities that seem to be present in most cases. This book could help her to realize that she is not alone and that there is help available. It will also give you a bit of a window as to what's going on unside her head from time to time.

    I wish you both the best of luck and may you find all the strength you, and especially your girlfriend, need to get through this.

    HG Hunter

  11. #11
    Im sorry if I came here for advises, maybe it wasnt the bests of ideas, however I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back, and that I should do more to help her. The reason why I came to this forum, is due to the fact that in here I would find ppl from all ages and professions that may or may not been involved in a similar situation and that may know how to help.

    I appreciate your replies, and I will seek the help of a professional, a normal psychistrist will do ? or are there psychistrists specialized on these types of things ? ..

    I would really like to help her get the strenght necessary to overcome this and confront the problem due to the fact that there might be others exposed to him however I dont want to cause her more pain, and I dont want her to feel that im forcing her nor pushing her.

    Thanks for all the replies and thanks to HG Hunter for the book suggestion

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