Joke Thread

[C.B. Brown]

What do you call a cow with no legs....Ground beef

what do you call a dog with no legs..call him what ever you want he aint comeing

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your door step....Matt



When does a old whore know when its time to retire...when she sits on a bar stool and sinks to the floor

difference between a new whore and a old whore
one uses lube other uses poli grip

why do gays put sand in their vaselene... traction

 

[jalimon]

To the hard core vegan community I killed a cow today as I caught it eating your food!

y'all thank me later

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F%&k it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[C.B. Brown]

What do you call a dog ......with no rear legs .......and steel balls?


''Sparky"

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

I live in a house next to a 90 year old man with Alzheimers, every morning at 9am sharp he knocks on my door asking if I have seen his wife, I have to tell him that she is dead. This goes on every day, yes I know I could move or just ignore him but his smile when he leaves is just priceless.

 

[Bred Sob]

At Oxford's men-only English language competition, with 200 males participating, the challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."

 

[C.B. Brown]

[FONT=&quot]A homeowner wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he checks the yellow pages for "A Bear Remover."[/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot]He calls the number and Pete says he'll be over in 30 minutes.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A big, burly man, arrives in a truck with a sign that states "Bear Remover." He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and an old, mean, heavily-scarred pit bull.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"[/FONT]

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. Then the bear will be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of my truck."[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pete hands the shotgun to the homeowner.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?"[/FONT]

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


​

 

[sene5hos]

I find this joke very good.

Customs officials found N95 masks hidden in cocaine.

 

[Nutsinho]

is this still funny today...

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 2 am and was asked where he was going at this late hour.

The elderly man replied, "I'm on my was to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Oh really, who is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[cloudsurf]

A popular Boston escort was quoting Robert Kraft. "Don't blame me. Have you ever tried jerking off with 6 super bowl rings on your hand "
She is obviously a Pat`s fan.

 

[sene5hos]

https://merb.cc/xenforo/threads/petite-lydhia-gfe-pse-deep-road-f%C3%A9tiche-pied.192602/unread

what is it a "deep road" ah yes, there are plenty in Montreal.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

 

[chowzilla]

My all time favorite stand up comedian, talks real shit and delivers like a pro.

 

[Fradi]

Two guys are drinking in a bar next to each other.
one says to the other Hey buddy where where you born.
he says Seattle, the other guy says shit so was I
he asks which day where you born on he says Friday June 2nd 1985
The other guy says shit so was I
He then asks which schools did you go to the guy says Lincoln high on Elm street.
Again the other guy says me too.
The bar tender comes buy and one of them says hey you would not believe this but this guy and I were born in Seattle on the exact same day went to the same school what a coincidence.
The bar tender walks back to his colleague who asks him so what’s new with those two at the far end of the bar.

Nothing, same old shit the Johnson twins are piss drunk again.

 

[Fradi]

Bar tender asks the guy.
What would you like buddy.
I don’t care as long as it is huge, cold and full of vodka.

Okay I guess I need to introduce you to my wife then.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

For a laugh

 

[chowzilla]

dumbest joke on the planet but i still get smerks out of it

c’est quoi les initiales de Grand Père Tortue ?

my favourite joke as a rugrat

 

[sene5hos]

I saw on a Quebec license plate, and the last 3 letters were, (but it's in French):

T K Q (tu es cocu)