Joke Thread

[C.B. Brown]

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest and the big bad wolf jumps out and says
"i am going to eat you little red riding hood''
to her reply
''whats the problem no one fucks anymore''

another day little red riding hood is walking through the forest and the big bad wolf jumps out and says
''i am going to fuck you little red riding hood i am going to fuck you good''
to he reply
oh not your not .......your going to do what the book says ........and you going to eat me!

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Three nuns were about to be transferred to a different convent, the priest had not had sex with them so he decided to have his way with them. While leaving on the bus it got hit by lightning and crashed down a mountain side. At the pearly gates St.Peter asked the first nun if she committed any sins and she replied that she gave the priest a hand job, St.Peter said to wash her hands in holy water, say three hail Mary's and enter. At that time the third nun asked the second nun if she could go next, the second nun said sure but why? The second nun replied she wanted to gargle in the holy water before she washed her ass in it.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

There I was staring at my drink when a large trouble making biker walks in, walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it in one gulp.
" Well, what are you doing to do about it " he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
This is the worst day of my life I said, I was late for the meeting at work and my boss fired me, as I drove home coming up the driveway I ran over my dog and when I went onto my house my wife was getting gangbanged by 6 men.
So I came to this bar to end it all, order a drink and put a capsule into it slowly watching the poison dissolve and then you come in and drink it all.
How is your day going so far?

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How Much?”

The hooker replies, “I start at $500 for a hand job.”

The man says, “$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money.”

The hooker says, “You see that KFC on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the McDonald’s in the next block?”

“Yes.”

“And do you see the Wendy’s across the street?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” said the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth $500...”

So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He’s so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow job is $1000.”

The hooker says, “No, $1500.”

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500.”

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

Fifteen minutes later, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, “So, how much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?”

Damn!” says the guy in awe. “You own the whole city?”

The hooker says, “No. But I would ... If I had a pussy!”

 

[C.B. Brown]

What do you call a cow with no legs....Ground beef

what do you call a dog with no legs..call him what ever you want he aint comeing

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your door step....Matt



When does a old whore know when its time to retire...when she sits on a bar stool and sinks to the floor

difference between a new whore and a old whore
one uses lube other uses poli grip

why do gays put sand in their vaselene... traction

 

[jalimon]

To the hard core vegan community I killed a cow today as I caught it eating your food!

y'all thank me later

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F%&k it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[C.B. Brown]

What do you call a dog ......with no rear legs .......and steel balls?


''Sparky"

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

I live in a house next to a 90 year old man with Alzheimers, every morning at 9am sharp he knocks on my door asking if I have seen his wife, I have to tell him that she is dead. This goes on every day, yes I know I could move or just ignore him but his smile when he leaves is just priceless.

 

[Bred Sob]

At Oxford's men-only English language competition, with 200 males participating, the challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."

 

[C.B. Brown]

[FONT=&quot]A homeowner wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he checks the yellow pages for "A Bear Remover."[/FONT]
​

[FONT=&quot]He calls the number and Pete says he'll be over in 30 minutes.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A big, burly man, arrives in a truck with a sign that states "Bear Remover." He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and an old, mean, heavily-scarred pit bull.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"[/FONT]

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. Then the bear will be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of my truck."[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pete hands the shotgun to the homeowner.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?"[/FONT]

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


​

 

[sene5hos]

I find this joke very good.

Customs officials found N95 masks hidden in cocaine.

 

[Nutsinho]

is this still funny today...

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 2 am and was asked where he was going at this late hour.

The elderly man replied, "I'm on my was to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Oh really, who is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[cloudsurf]

A popular Boston escort was quoting Robert Kraft. "Don't blame me. Have you ever tried jerking off with 6 super bowl rings on your hand "
She is obviously a Pat`s fan.

 

[sene5hos]

https://merb.cc/xenforo/threads/petite-lydhia-gfe-pse-deep-road-f%C3%A9tiche-pied.192602/unread

what is it a "deep road" ah yes, there are plenty in Montreal.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

 

[chowzilla]

My all time favorite stand up comedian, talks real shit and delivers like a pro.

 

[Fradi]

Two guys are drinking in a bar next to each other.
one says to the other Hey buddy where where you born.
he says Seattle, the other guy says shit so was I
he asks which day where you born on he says Friday June 2nd 1985
The other guy says shit so was I
He then asks which schools did you go to the guy says Lincoln high on Elm street.
Again the other guy says me too.
The bar tender comes buy and one of them says hey you would not believe this but this guy and I were born in Seattle on the exact same day went to the same school what a coincidence.
The bar tender walks back to his colleague who asks him so what’s new with those two at the far end of the bar.

Nothing, same old shit the Johnson twins are piss drunk again.