Joke Thread

[Sol Tee Nutz]

I met a lady who said her pussy tasted like a rainbow, found out she meant trout not skittles.

 

[Iceman71]

I went to the doctor and he told me I need a urine sample, a feces sample and a semen sample, I said Ok and I took my underwear off and I gave it To him and I left

 

[Julia Sky]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it wasn’t for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[C.B. Brown]

Blond goes to the garage
car is running rough
mechanic come to tell the woman
no big deal..just shit in the air filter .
relieved she says to him
great
how many times a day........

 

[LeafsSuck]

Oldie but a goodie!!!
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
(little girl) "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "What swimming pool??... Is this 486-5731??"

Hope you like it as much as me.

 

[C.B. Brown]

What do you get when you cross a whore with a computor..a f--king know it all

how does a whore know when its time to retire.they sit on a bar stool and sink to the floor.

difference between a woman and a toilet seat-toilet seats dont get up and follow you around when your finished using them.

how do you make a woman scream twice.---f--k her in the ass and wipe your dick clean on her living room curtains

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes.nothing she already didnt listen 2x before

 

[DrJ_TheGhost]

The other punch line for the last joke C.B. Brown is: nothing you already told her twice.

 

[C.B. Brown]

My dad accidentally threw a cheese grater at me
so i left the room and he yelled ''come back here you ungrateful child''
while laughing hysterically

update my mom told me if i had even a 'shred' of decency i would go back in there

update # 2 my dad apologized and told me he only did it for ''the grater good''

some people think a trex cant clap its hands becuase its arms are too short
its becuase its dead

 

[Iceman71]

I am a black belt in karate because I started with a white belt and I never washed it .....

 

[C.B. Brown]

i once bought a wooden car
wooden engine,wooden doors,
wooden wheels,wooden seats
put the wooden key in the wooden ignition
wooden start.

 

[C.B. Brown]

Sad news from Minnesota
Then Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
And trauma complications from repeaded poikes in the belly.
He was 75.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,including
Mrs Butterworth,Hungry Jack,the California Raisins,Betty Crocker,The Hostess Twinkies<and Captain Crunch.The grave site was piled high with many flours.

Aunt Jemmima delivered a eulogy and a lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was Kneaded.

Born and Bread in Minnesota.doughboy rose quickly in
Show business.but later in life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie,wasted much of his dough on half-bakes schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times<he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough,three children:John Dough,Jane Dough,and Dosey Dough,Plus they had one in the oven.He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart
The funeral was held at 3.50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[bodick7]

Savez-vous la différence entre un thermomètre buccal et un thermomètre rectal? ...le goût....

 

[C.B. Brown]

c'est comme le docteur qui sort le thermomètre rectal de sa poche et dit, je me demande quel trou de cul a mon stylo

 

[C.B. Brown]

Sometimes
you meet someone
and you know from the first moment that
you want to spend your whole life
without them

 

[C.B. Brown]

on the subject of lawyers
they decided to use lawyers instead of rats for laboratory experiments
cause there is only so many things you can make a rat do
and you don't get as attached to the lawyers

 

[bodick7]

J'ai concocté celle-là quand ma bien aimée est tombée en pré-ménopause.

En vérité, en vérité, je vous le dis:

Malheureux celui qui vit avec une cochonne ménopausée
Heureux celui qui vit avec une ménopausée cochonne

 

[C.B. Brown]

they say a picture is worth 1000 words
this is funny

 

[C.B. Brown]

ordering pizza in 2020
[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I must have dialed the wrong number. Sorry.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: My usual? You know me?
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: How the hell do you know!
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I paid in cash.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: WHAT THE...
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
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[FONT=&quot]CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
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[FONT=&quot]GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
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[C.B. Brown]

good add for condoms

https://imagizer.imageshack.com/img922/8126/rBPURG.jpg

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Was walking through mountain trails when I saw the gorgeous female standing by a cliff, started to chat with her and she said she was about to commit suicide. I said since you were about to die how about some sex before you jump, her told me to fuck off and I replied, fine I will wait for you at the bottom.