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Joke Thread

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
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Look behind you.
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 2 am and was asked where he was going at this late hour.

The elderly man replied, "I'm on my was to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Oh really, who is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 

cloudsurf

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May 10, 2003
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A popular Boston escort was quoting Robert Kraft. "Don't blame me. Have you ever tried jerking off with 6 super bowl rings on your hand "
She is obviously a Pat`s fan.
 

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
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Look behind you.
FB_IMG_1599103044265.jpg
 
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chowzilla

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Aug 10, 2011
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My all time favorite stand up comedian, talks real shit and delivers like a pro.

 

Fradi

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Apr 9, 2019
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Around the corner
Two guys are drinking in a bar next to each other.
one says to the other Hey buddy where where you born.
he says Seattle, the other guy says shit so was I
he asks which day where you born on he says Friday June 2nd 1985
The other guy says shit so was I
He then asks which schools did you go to the guy says Lincoln high on Elm street.
Again the other guy says me too.
The bar tender comes buy and one of them says hey you would not believe this but this guy and I were born in Seattle on the exact same day went to the same school what a coincidence.
The bar tender walks back to his colleague who asks him so what’s new with those two at the far end of the bar.

Nothing, same old shit the Johnson twins are piss drunk again.
 

Fradi

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Apr 9, 2019
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Around the corner
Bar tender asks the guy.
What would you like buddy.
I don’t care as long as it is huge, cold and full of vodka.

Okay I guess I need to introduce you to my wife then.
 

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
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Look behind you.
For a laugh
 

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chowzilla

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Aug 10, 2011
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dumbest joke on the planet but i still get smerks out of it

c’est quoi les initiales de Grand Père Tortue ?

my favourite joke as a rugrat
 
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sene5hos

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Dec 26, 2019
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I saw on a Quebec license plate, and the last 3 letters were, (but it's in French):

T K Q (tu es cocu)
 

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
7,675
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Look behind you.
FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP - 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
 

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
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Look behind you.
Every evening my 87 yr old neighbor knocks on my door, says he has not seen his wife all day, don't know what to say but try to explain that she died 2 years ago.
Now normally I would sit him down and have a long talk to get him to understand his wife has died and stop coming over but the smile on his face when he leaves is priceless.
 

Sol Tee Nutz

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Apr 29, 2012
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Look behind you.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... .' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
 

sene5hos

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Dec 26, 2019
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Two friends each bought an inflatable doll.

This is so awesome, this doll can do it all, and ass-wise, she's excellent.

The second: wait, I have to try, I'll borrow it and bring it back to you right away.

Then a moment passes and we hear a horrible cry of pain.

By the way, the mouth is a pencil sharpener.
 
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