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Joke Thread

lgna69xxx

New Member
Oct 3, 2008
10,414
11
0
Next year, 2011, Groundhog Day and Obama's State of the Union address will occur on the same date. One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.
 

Agrippa

C o n s u l
Aug 22, 2006
582
0
0
www.merb.ca
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
 

lgna69xxx

New Member
Oct 3, 2008
10,414
11
0
apparently many years ago...neither the Leafs nor the habs were in post-season play... so they decided to have a competition between them...ice fishing...
so, montreal demanded home ice, and they went to Quebec, and picked their spots, and after the first day..the Leafs were up 100-0
the second day, they go to ontario, again, picking their spots...and the Leafs once again are up 100-0, or 200-0 if you prefer...
they go back to Quebec...and the coach of the habs thinks that Toronto might be cheating...so he tells one of his guys to dress as a Leafs player and join them and report what's happening...
the hab sneaks in...watches all day..and tells the habs coach after...
"yup coach, they sure were cheating"... the coach asks what the Leafs were doing...
and the spy replies... "they cut holes in the ice"
 

Jman47

Red Sox Nation
Jan 28, 2009
1,296
0
0
A teacher asks her students if they are Yankees fans.
One of them says, “No, my Dad is a Red Sox fan, my Mom is a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.”
So the teacher says, “Well, that’s not very good; if your mother and father were both morons, would that make you a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a New York Yankees fan.”
 

sweetwater

New Member
Nov 6, 2009
746
2
0
Western USA
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Sweetwater
 

sweetwater

New Member
Nov 6, 2009
746
2
0
Western USA
A penguin is driving across the desert when his car starts to make funny noises. He pulls into a little roadside gas station to have it checked out. While the mechanic has a look the penguin buys an ice cream bar.
The mechanic walks up to the penguin a few moments later and says, “Looks you blew a seal.”
“Oh, no! No!”, the penguin says. “That’s just ice cream!”

Sweetwater
 

RobinX

Member
Aug 30, 2009
452
0
16
Montreal
Translating Women's and Men's English

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay
 

Onfray

New Member
Jan 4, 2010
52
0
0
Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together
. . . .and then shit on your car.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because ....
by then your body & your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'


If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder
and your hand over my mouth . . ..
. . . . .. AMEN!
 

StefanoUS

Sixty Minute Man
Aug 30, 2010
200
0
0
Earth
Man is sitting at home with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me ............. Talking to the beer."
 

StefanoUS

Sixty Minute Man
Aug 30, 2010
200
0
0
Earth
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

Joe Kerr

New Member
Mar 13, 2011
7
0
0
Arkham Asylum
Jimmy Fallon on Prince William's bachelor party

" It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's g string when every bill has a picture of your grandma printed on it."
 

YoungBob

Member
Feb 8, 2009
132
1
16
Montreal, of course
Tennis Elbow

Because I thought that was the best joke ever, I had copied it to my PC. I just found it again. Here it goes:

My elbow really hurts

One day, Alex complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that as there's a computer at the drugstore. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it, it only costs $10.00". Alex figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drugstore. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOUR. IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine sample from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. GET A WATER SOFTENER.

YOUR DOG HAS WORMS. GIVE HIM VITAMINS.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. PUT HER IN A RE-HABILITATION CLINIC.

YOUR WIFE'S PREGNANT - TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELB0W WILL NEVER GET BETTER !!!!!!!!
 

Estrie boy

New Member
Jun 17, 2007
20
0
1
Un homme se cogne contre une femme dans un hall d'hôtel. Durant la collision son coude butte contre la poitrine de celle-ci. Ils sont tout deux surpris. L'homme se tourne vers elle et dit : Madame, si votre coeur est aussi doux que votre poitrine, je sais que vous me pardonnerez.Ce à quoi elle répond :Si votre queue est aussi dure que votre coude, je suis dans la chambre 221
 

jeff jones

Banned
Mar 23, 2009
595
0
0
At cleo's
The Porch


A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 

Doc Holliday

Female body inspector
Sep 27, 2003
19,937
1,400
113
Canada
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