Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
Un Québecois dit : "Ma femme est niaiseuse, elle a acheté pour 500$ de viande parce que c'était en spécial pis on a juste un petit congélateur"
L'Ontarien dit : "Moi ma femme est encore plus niaiseuse, elle s'est acheté une auto de 17,000$ pis elle conduit même pas"
Le newfie dit : "Moi ma femme est encore ben plus niaiseuse que les vôtres, elle est partie dans le sud avec 6 boîtes de condoms pis elle a même pas de pénis!
L'Ontarien dit : "Moi ma femme est encore plus niaiseuse, elle s'est acheté une auto de 17,000$ pis elle conduit même pas"
Le newfie dit : "Moi ma femme est encore ben plus niaiseuse que les vôtres, elle est partie dans le sud avec 6 boîtes de condoms pis elle a même pas de pénis!
Un gars est au restaurant en train de manger des nouilles. Il appelle le garçon:
'Garçon, j'ai trouvé un poil dans mes nouilles, c'est dégoûtant, je ne paye pas
ça!'
Il se lève et s'en va sans payer.
Le garçon va voir le patron et lui explique la situation
Le patron:
'Quoi, pas question, rattrape le type il faut qu'il paye'
Le garçon court après le client et le retrouve dans une chambre d'hôtel, la tête entre les jambes d'une prostituée:
Le garçon s'exclame:
'Tiens pour quelqu'un qui n'aime pas les poils vous vous défendez bien!'
Le type:
'Ouais, mais si je trouve une nouille, je paye pas!'
'Garçon, j'ai trouvé un poil dans mes nouilles, c'est dégoûtant, je ne paye pas
ça!'
Il se lève et s'en va sans payer.
Le garçon va voir le patron et lui explique la situation
Le patron:
'Quoi, pas question, rattrape le type il faut qu'il paye'
Le garçon court après le client et le retrouve dans une chambre d'hôtel, la tête entre les jambes d'une prostituée:
Le garçon s'exclame:
'Tiens pour quelqu'un qui n'aime pas les poils vous vous défendez bien!'
Le type:
'Ouais, mais si je trouve une nouille, je paye pas!'
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
Shipwrecked
>
>A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
>
> They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
>
> After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.
>
> It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while,
Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable
happened.
>
>
> Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.>
>
>
> So, they buried Susie.
>
>A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
>
> They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
>
> After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.
>
> It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while,
Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable
happened.
>
>
> Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.>
>
>
> So, they buried Susie.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." :nod:
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." :nod:
An elderly guy goes into the Massage parlour and asks for a mature women around 38 / 40 years old.
The receptionist tells him sorry sir we only have 18 to 20 year old girls here.
"Shit" he exclaims "That means I gotta take one of each again"
The receptionist tells him sorry sir we only have 18 to 20 year old girls here.
"Shit" he exclaims "That means I gotta take one of each again"
I was at the gym thinking how nice it would be to have a coach/escort and it reminded me of an old joke from when I was a kid. I’ve adapted it for a Hobby audience:
A man wants to lose weight and goes to Lauretta’s Lovenasium, where you are guaranteed to lose 10 pounds in just a few weeks. The coach is a beautiful athletic blond in bikini and running shoes. “Hi, I’m Lauretta. You have one hour to catch me and I’ll do whatever you want for the remaining of the time.”
On the first session, the man could not catch her, but she gave him a little handjob to reward his efforts.
On the 2nd session, he manages with great effort to catch the girl with 10 minutes remaining. This time he gets a quick blowjob followed by a titwank.
On the next few sessions he improves his time until he can catch her almost immediately and receive the full PSE service, where the girl fucks him silly for the whole hour. They check his weight and see that he lost 15 pounds so far. The girl says: “you’re ready for our level 2 program, where you can lose 30 pounds in just a few weeks.”
Next time he gets to the gym, Lauretta is not around. There’s just this huge muscle man “Hi, I’m Big Steve, your new coach. Now, I have one hour to catch you…”
A man wants to lose weight and goes to Lauretta’s Lovenasium, where you are guaranteed to lose 10 pounds in just a few weeks. The coach is a beautiful athletic blond in bikini and running shoes. “Hi, I’m Lauretta. You have one hour to catch me and I’ll do whatever you want for the remaining of the time.”
On the first session, the man could not catch her, but she gave him a little handjob to reward his efforts.
On the 2nd session, he manages with great effort to catch the girl with 10 minutes remaining. This time he gets a quick blowjob followed by a titwank.
On the next few sessions he improves his time until he can catch her almost immediately and receive the full PSE service, where the girl fucks him silly for the whole hour. They check his weight and see that he lost 15 pounds so far. The girl says: “you’re ready for our level 2 program, where you can lose 30 pounds in just a few weeks.”
Next time he gets to the gym, Lauretta is not around. There’s just this huge muscle man “Hi, I’m Big Steve, your new coach. Now, I have one hour to catch you…”
It's a fat guy who wants to lose weight. So, he is going to a ' health center ' deep in the woods to lose weight.
The first day, he tries the first therapy for $500 to lose 1 kilogram. He is shown to a little door. Inside, he finds a big gymnasium with a lot a stairs. In the middle of the gymnasium, a beautiful girl tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. Of course, the fat guy runs after her, but the girl is difficult to catch, so it took him one hour to catch her. Afterwards, he made love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 1 kilogram.
The second day, he tries the second therapy for $1,500 to lose 3 kilograms. He is shown another door. Inside, he finds an enormous park with hills, rivers to cross, trees to climb on, etc. Another girl, even more beautiful that the first one, tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. After 2 long hours of running, he finally catch her and made once again love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 3 kilograms.
Then, the third day, he tries the third therapy for $5,000 to lose 10 kilograms. He is shown another door. He finds himself in a tiny room (5x5 meters). He is wondering why. Then, suddenly the door claps behind him and the door is being locked. The fat guy finds himself in front of a 2 meters guy with a monstrous hard who says : If I catch you, I'll xxx you ass.
The first day, he tries the first therapy for $500 to lose 1 kilogram. He is shown to a little door. Inside, he finds a big gymnasium with a lot a stairs. In the middle of the gymnasium, a beautiful girl tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. Of course, the fat guy runs after her, but the girl is difficult to catch, so it took him one hour to catch her. Afterwards, he made love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 1 kilogram.
The second day, he tries the second therapy for $1,500 to lose 3 kilograms. He is shown another door. Inside, he finds an enormous park with hills, rivers to cross, trees to climb on, etc. Another girl, even more beautiful that the first one, tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. After 2 long hours of running, he finally catch her and made once again love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 3 kilograms.
Then, the third day, he tries the third therapy for $5,000 to lose 10 kilograms. He is shown another door. He finds himself in a tiny room (5x5 meters). He is wondering why. Then, suddenly the door claps behind him and the door is being locked. The fat guy finds himself in front of a 2 meters guy with a monstrous hard who says : If I catch you, I'll xxx you ass.
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Sweetwater
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Sweetwater
At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was wearing a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the guy that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screaming at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
The fellow said, "Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."
Sweetwater
The fellow said, "Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."
Sweetwater
The older woman
I ended up with an older woman at a night club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she possibly had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
I ended up with an older woman at a night club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she possibly had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
A red head said to her blonde stepsister that she slept with a Brazilian..... The blonde replies, Oh my god you slut! How many is a Brazilian?
Ok, how about this one. I walked into the kitchen while my wife was making supper with a sheep under my arm and said " This is the pig I am sleeping with " My wife said that it is a sheep, I replied " Shut the fuck up, I am talking to the sheep ".
Tips On How To Masturbate
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read above.
2)Rub penis.
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read above.
2)Rub penis.
when my gay friend start telling me is story of his night...after he is finish i ask him to tell me straight :lol:
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