Joke Thread

[Leopold Stotch]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.? The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man, "picture this: I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

 

[Doink]

Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats Joke

Probably the dirtiest joke I've ever heard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

 

[StefanoUS]

My wife says to me the other night

"How come we don't make love like they do
in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed
her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

 

[StefanoUS]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

 

[StefanoUS]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

[Montreal Sex City]

Un Québecois dit : "Ma femme est niaiseuse, elle a acheté pour 500$ de viande parce que c'était en spécial pis on a juste un petit congélateur"

L'Ontarien dit : "Moi ma femme est encore plus niaiseuse, elle s'est acheté une auto de 17,000$ pis elle conduit même pas"

Le newfie dit : "Moi ma femme est encore ben plus niaiseuse que les vôtres, elle est partie dans le sud avec 6 boîtes de condoms pis elle a même pas de pénis!

 

[cutie pie]

Un homme achete des condoms a la pharmacie, le caissier le regarde avec un sourire en coin et lui demande; "Voulez vous un sac avec ca?"
l'homme lui repond; "Non,non, elle n'est pas si laide que ca...."

 

[CandyShop Escorts]

What kind of bees produce milk :noidea: .............boobies!!! eace:

 

[Siocnarf]

Un gars est au restaurant en train de manger des nouilles. Il appelle le garçon:
'Garçon, j'ai trouvé un poil dans mes nouilles, c'est dégoûtant, je ne paye pas
ça!'
Il se lève et s'en va sans payer.
Le garçon va voir le patron et lui explique la situation
Le patron:
'Quoi, pas question, rattrape le type il faut qu'il paye'
Le garçon court après le client et le retrouve dans une chambre d'hôtel, la tête entre les jambes d'une prostituée:
Le garçon s'exclame:
'Tiens pour quelqu'un qui n'aime pas les poils vous vous défendez bien!'
Le type:
'Ouais, mais si je trouve une nouille, je paye pas!'

 

[StefanoUS]

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

 

[nico71]

Shipwrecked
>
>A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
>
> They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

>

> After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.
>


> It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while,
Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable
happened.
>

>
> Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.>
>

>
> So, they buried Susie.

 

[StefanoUS]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." :nod:

 

[oldbutartful]

An elderly guy goes into the Massage parlour and asks for a mature women around 38 / 40 years old.
The receptionist tells him sorry sir we only have 18 to 20 year old girls here.
"Shit" he exclaims "That means I gotta take one of each again"

 

[Siocnarf]

I was at the gym thinking how nice it would be to have a coach/escort and it reminded me of an old joke from when I was a kid. I’ve adapted it for a Hobby audience:

A man wants to lose weight and goes to Lauretta’s Lovenasium, where you are guaranteed to lose 10 pounds in just a few weeks. The coach is a beautiful athletic blond in bikini and running shoes. “Hi, I’m Lauretta. You have one hour to catch me and I’ll do whatever you want for the remaining of the time.”

On the first session, the man could not catch her, but she gave him a little handjob to reward his efforts.

On the 2nd session, he manages with great effort to catch the girl with 10 minutes remaining. This time he gets a quick blowjob followed by a titwank.

On the next few sessions he improves his time until he can catch her almost immediately and receive the full PSE service, where the girl fucks him silly for the whole hour. They check his weight and see that he lost 15 pounds so far. The girl says: “you’re ready for our level 2 program, where you can lose 30 pounds in just a few weeks.”

Next time he gets to the gym, Lauretta is not around. There’s just this huge muscle man “Hi, I’m Big Steve, your new coach. Now, I have one hour to catch you…”

 

[reg2011]

It's a fat guy who wants to lose weight. So, he is going to a ' health center ' deep in the woods to lose weight.

The first day, he tries the first therapy for $500 to lose 1 kilogram. He is shown to a little door. Inside, he finds a big gymnasium with a lot a stairs. In the middle of the gymnasium, a beautiful girl tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. Of course, the fat guy runs after her, but the girl is difficult to catch, so it took him one hour to catch her. Afterwards, he made love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 1 kilogram.

The second day, he tries the second therapy for $1,500 to lose 3 kilograms. He is shown another door. Inside, he finds an enormous park with hills, rivers to cross, trees to climb on, etc. Another girl, even more beautiful that the first one, tells him that if he catches her, he can do whatever he wants. After 2 long hours of running, he finally catch her and made once again love to her. At the end of the day, he is happy to discover that he lost 3 kilograms.

Then, the third day, he tries the third therapy for $5,000 to lose 10 kilograms. He is shown another door. He finds himself in a tiny room (5x5 meters). He is wondering why. Then, suddenly the door claps behind him and the door is being locked. The fat guy finds himself in front of a 2 meters guy with a monstrous hard who says : If I catch you, I'll xxx you ass.

 

[Siocnarf]

Ah ah! Almost as funny as the one two-posts up.:lol:

 

[sweetwater]

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Sweetwater

 

[sweetwater]

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was wearing a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the guy that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screaming at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
The fellow said, "Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."

Sweetwater

 

[Bat Crusader]

The older woman

I ended up with an older woman at a night club last night.


She looked OK for a 61 year-old.



In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she possibly had a hot daughter.


We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.



'What's that?' I asked


'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.



I said, 'No' - excitedly.


We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.



We went back to her place.


She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

 

[Like_It_Hot]

Sorry guys, no joke, I just wanted tu push up this nice thread :lol: