A red head said to her blonde stepsister that she slept with a Brazilian..... The blonde replies, Oh my god you slut! How many is a Brazilian? 
Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
Ok, how about this one. I walked into the kitchen while my wife was making supper with a sheep under my arm and said " This is the pig I am sleeping with " My wife said that it is a sheep, I replied " Shut the fuck up, I am talking to the sheep ".
Tips On How To Masturbate
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read above.
2)Rub penis.
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If you're a boy
1)Read above.
2)Rub penis.
when my gay friend start telling me is story of his night...after he is finish i ask him to tell me straight :lol:
In 1742 Muslim extremists invented the condom by using the colon of a goat. In 1826 the British refined it by taking it out of the goat first.
Ces un enfant qui se fait baptisée... Un homme demande pourquoi le bébé es habillé en blanc???.. Parce que ça représente comme le bonheur ...Ah OK ..il dit ces comme quand une personne meurt alors on es habillé en noir pour le malheur ça nous apporte!!!!
Alors l'homme dit.... alors ces pour ça dans un mariage que la femme es habillé en blanc et l'homme en noir :lol:
Alors l'homme dit.... alors ces pour ça dans un mariage que la femme es habillé en blanc et l'homme en noir :lol:
Back on June 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...
Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...
Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
I actually had tears I was laughing so hard. Love it! "They can put their legs straight up!" Priceless!
Why is it that all the women who do not cook, clean or suck dick ask " Where are all the good men ".
They just finished a home cooked meal, chilling in their clean house and about to get their dick sucked.
They just finished a home cooked meal, chilling in their clean house and about to get their dick sucked.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Hoover has the dirtbag inside, the Harley has the dirtbag hanging on the outside.
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What is the difference between a BMW and Porcupine?
The porcupine has the prick outside, the BMW has the prick on the inside.
The Hoover has the dirtbag inside, the Harley has the dirtbag hanging on the outside.
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What is the difference between a BMW and Porcupine?
The porcupine has the prick outside, the BMW has the prick on the inside.
A girl always likes to be swept off her feet................................ It is when you start to put them in the trunk that they start to panic.
The man was a fucking comic genius, when I was a kid we used to watch him all the time on TV. Thanks for the reminder.
Dear Dr. Phil : I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I noticed my wife was just standing there, arms folded watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him his house has been robbed, the offenders had drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. Silence ensued then the guys says " I can't believe they fucked my wife after 4 beers">
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him his house has been robbed, the offenders had drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. Silence ensued then the guys says " I can't believe they fucked my wife after 4 beers">
Damn i am wayyyy overdue in sex....i didnt have since LAST year ..... Ok ok not the best One ....But the only ONE i got now lolll
Happy new year ALL
..... Ok ok not the best One ....But the only ONE i got now lolllHappy new year ALL
Q: What do the Montreal Canadiens and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!
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