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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #1
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory

    Talking Joke Thread

    A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

    She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy,
    bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.

    She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

    The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain
    biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker
    asks her "You have a bike?"

    The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and
    points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

    The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

    The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of
    cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

    The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked
    up by the Fuzz?"

    The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the
    fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  2. #2
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory


    A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
    minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

    "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
    attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
    district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and
    the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into
    the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which
    amounts to $400."

    "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you

    The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
    "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  3. #3
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory



    1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.


    3. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

    4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    7. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

    8. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

    9. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

    10. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  4. #4
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory
    New York City, San Francisco, Miami and Los Angeles bartenders were asked if they could nail a personality based on what you drink. The results:


    Drink: Beer
    Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
    Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

    Drink: Blender Drinks
    Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
    Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

    Drink: Mixed Drinks
    Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
    Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

    Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
    Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
    Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
    years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

    Drink: White Zin
    Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
    Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.

    Drink: Shots
    Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
    Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.


    Cheap Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

    Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

    Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

    Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

    Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

    White Zin: He's gay.

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  5. #5
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory
    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
    background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
    wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
    gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
    instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  6. #6
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory
    In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked
    her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He
    suggested she try withdrawl, douches or condoms.

    Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with
    three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
    "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the
    young children.

    "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout,
    Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  7. #7
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory

    Post Linguistics

    A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  8. #8
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory
    Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
    A: Her crayons are still sticky.

    Q: What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
    A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!.... and O.J walked!

    Q: Why doesn't smokey the bear have any children?
    A: Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

    Q: What do you call a truck loaded with vibrators?
    A: Toys for twats.

    Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
    A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

    Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
    A: Pregnant

    Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff?
    A. They push back harder.

    Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, men will screw anything.

    Q: What is the difference between a human sperm and a lawyer?
    A: The human sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

    Q: What's the the male definition of a vagina?
    A: The box a penis comes in.

    Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
    A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde girl and an ironing board?
    A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

    Q: Why did the Australians do so badly in the rugby world cup??
    A: Too many sheepless nights!!

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  9. #9
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory


    Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":

    The Engagement Ring
    The Wedding Ring
    The Suffe-Ring
    The Endu-Ring

    Marriage is love. Love is blind.
    Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

    It is true that love is blind,
    but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

    A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:
    "Wife wanted"
    Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing:
    "You can have mine."

    Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

    Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition
    doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

    It's true that all men are born free and equal,
    but some of them get MARRIED!

    They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

    That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that
    the other 50% end in death!

    Who would ever remarry an ex-wife?
    It's like taking an old carton of milk out of the fridge,
    taking a whiff, and saying, "Whooo! That's sour!
    I think I'll put it back. Maybe it'll be better later."

    First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
    Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

    "I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I
    could have sex 3, 4, or 5 times a week."
    "That's very ironic," said the second regular.
    "That's exactly why I got divorced."

    She was a great housekeeper, too.
    When we divorced, she kept the house.

    Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
    a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son; EVERYWHERE!

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
    to get married?"
    Dad replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late!

    A Married man ALWAYS has the last word...
    and it's usually "Yes, dear"

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
    he still ends up with the same boss.

    A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband
    a millionaire."
    "And what was he before you married him," asked the friend.
    The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
    sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

    A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
    made a wish and threw in a penny.
    The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too
    much, fell into the well, and drowned.
    The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
    "It really works!"

    The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her
    mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make
    my new husband happy."
    The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful..."
    "Mom, I know how to screw him," the bride-to-be interrupted.
    "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne."

    "Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  10. #10
    Sinful Sweetheart ;)
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Montreal, Canada

    Great jokes!

    Thought I'd throw one in too

    A business man walks into a tattoo parlor, when approached inquisitively by the tattoo artist he says: "I would like you to tattoo 250 000$ on my penis"

    - Why the heck would you want to do that? The artist replied.

    The business man answers:


    - First off, I like to play with my money.

    - Second, I like to see my money grow.

    - And third, I'd like to see how long it takes my wife to blow 250 000$!!!"

    "When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm even better!" -- Mae West

  11. #11
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory


    LOVE When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
    LUST When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
    MARRIAGE When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
    LOVE When intercourse is called "making love."
    LUST When intercourse is called "screwing."
    MARRIAGE When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
    LOVE When you argue over how many children to have.
    LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
    MARRIAGE When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
    LOVE When you share everything you own.
    LUST When you steal everything they own.
    MARRIAGE When the bank owns everything.
    LOVE When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
    LUST When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
    MARRIAGE When ... uh ... what's a climax?
    LOVE When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
    LUST When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
    MARRIAGE When you phone each other to bitch about work.
    LOVE When you write poems about your partner.
    LUST When all you write is your phone number.
    MARRIAGE When all you write is checks.
    LOVE When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
    LUST When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors
    all around.
    MARRIAGE When your only concern is what's on TV.
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  12. #12
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory


    A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
    So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have
    evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite

    The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the
    wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she
    preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

    The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

    So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the
    couch watching TV.

    She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then
    told him to come closer. Then even closer.

    She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".

    "Now take off my bra.

    "Next remove my shoes and stockings."

    "Now remove my garter belt and panties"

    She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The
    next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  13. #13
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2003

    "Why France won't bomb Saddam"

    "You know why the french don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is french, people!"-------Conan O'Brien

  14. #14
    The Longest Title in MERB
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Beer Factory
    An experienced economist and a not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of shit lying on the asphalt.
    Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
    The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does it and collects the money.
    Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another pile of shit.
    Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this pile of shit I'll give YOU $20,000."
    After a brief calculation, the experienced economist eats the shit, getting the money.
    They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money that we started off with, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."
    Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've just been involved in $40,000 of trade."

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

  15. #15
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    New York City, USA

    my contribution

    A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

    While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.

    If he wants sex, do not resist, do not complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
    The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
    Fran Lebowitz

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