Hi
First time posting here.
I`ll try to elaborate my story. Sorry if my english is all broken, i`m semi bilingual....
First i`ll try to resume my background quick.
I was born with a congenital cardiac malformation. Got open heart surgery at 2 and 18 years old.
Between those 2 major surgeries, i had about 10 other mid to minor surgeries.
Now i`m 35 and my heart condition is perfect (touching wood)! Thank god and thank the medecine.
My personality is: shy guy, not to social. General lack of self-confidence. Always lived at my parents house.
At 13 my brother bought a Samantha Fox calander and that was it. I got horny about her and her boobs and started masturbation.....
My first girlfriend was at 17.
I had 3 girlfriends in a row in 3 years. Each one of them cheated on me.
Those events realy shocked and tromatised me.
Felt in love with a 4th girl which was a bad move. She was hot!
She had a boyfriend but she was always calling me, wrting little letters and telling me how she
liked me. She was teasing me and always talked about how her boyfriend was a jerk.
After 12 months she finaly dump him and i got out with her. It lasted a month and she left me for another guy.
At that point i made a pact with myself to never fall in love again.
A 7 year single status followed. That`s when all the SP exploring and addiction came in....
Now today in 2010
It`s been 8 years now i kinda struggle with the addiction.
Been around the subject with a psychoanalyst (6 months) i know it`s not long but still gave me clues.
I`m seing a psychiatrist for 8 years. I`ve been taking medications for about 10 years now to treat panic attack, depression and agoraphobia.
And also i`ve been seing a psychologist for almost a year now for a spoken therapy in addition to the medication.
See my objective is to understand my behavior and also why some humans behave like i do.
I`m not convinced about the theories that have been elaborate yet.
First i have to confirm that as far as the antidepressant goes, yes it can realy spark the sex addiction. It started like that for me.
Was introduced to 20mg of Paxil 10 years ago and was feeling so good, man i swear my life had changed drasticaly.
I got out of my 4 years reclusion in my home. I got a job which i didn`t have for 3 years. Made some friends at the office. Got a car. Got my sense of freedom back and i was totaly Euphoric about it. The sense of freedom was so intense, i felt i was living detached from time itself. I mean, instead of getting in sync with time, i was just letting myself go in the flux of time without stressing anything (including some deadlines in projects)...
So i started making money like i never had. My boss was very pleased with me. I got 3 promotions in 3 years.
And the weekends was SP time. I was seeing 1 SP each weekend.
And then it started to be twice a weekend or twice a week. Was also registering to dating sex website to try to ``save money``. But the final result was voften a deception. I also registered to phonelines dating like Lavalife. I got to meet a few interesting girls ans milf there. But still i had big telephone bills.
My expenses towards all the need for sex was getting so big i was barely able to pay my debts and obligations.
I realy got conscious that my behavior was out of control and exagerated compared to what it was before.
I spoke about it to my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me bipolar type 2 with Hyper Maniac (too high and too happy) tendencies and prescribed me a mood stabilizer.
It worked and it decreased a lot the SP rush but the fatigue that came with the medication was so intense sometimes i was almost
getting asleep while driving.
So we played with that stupid medication for years. I`ve been true all man! I mean all, Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Celaxa, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Lamictal, Rivotril, Ritalin, Ativan, Prozac at a point where i was realy angry and sad at the same time realizing the point that i`ve reached.
I felt like full of poisonous toxic medication...man!
But there was still long periods that went that i was feeling fine. Like for 1 year everythign could be resonable and balanced (my mood and behavior).
To a point where in 2007 i`ve brake my pact and met a girl which i felt in love with and got out with for 3 years. But man what a up and down ride it was. So troubling and sad! I cried so much because of all the confusion inside of me. It`s like i always was unshure of everything. She wanted us to live together. She dreamed about the house and the dog and the typical family configuration.
I was always feeling like my freedom was disapearing.
I was missing the time when i could go out randomly and pick a street girl or call an SP.
And guess what i did. I went back to that pattern and was with my girl.
She didn`t know about it.
I decided to take action and went consulting a Psychologist for a talk therapy. The medication was not working anymore or very less.
First thing i said to my psy was: ``i come here because i don`t know if i realy love my girlfriend and i cheat on her with SP and i feel bad. Please help me to stop this behavior.
I told her: I don`t have sex with my girlfriend anymore. Her she want, but i`m not aroused or excited by her anymore. Or, is it my libido who`s down.
She said: no it can`t be your libido, if your aroused by SP`s. But she said it was a paradox that i was excited by SP`s but not my GF.
Wow! i said. Your right that`s a paradox.
My brother told me: it`s normal after a few years you get bored always with the same person.......yes! that`s what i was opting for to!
But then my psy came with a theory that changed my thoughts forever until this day i can`t deny it. She said:
There is a cleavage, a sharp division between your girlfriend and the SP`s.
The way you love and see your girlfriend is more like your mother.
That`s why you tend not to have sex with her and not to have the same dirty sex you have with the SP`s.
As with the SP`s you realy can have sex for sex.
Your girlfirend is like your mother. Would you sleep with your mother?
Dude i swear i was shocked.
I started to realize that yes it`s true that my GF was someway maternal. She would cook for me, wash my clothes for me and was managing the bills and all....
Always complaining about her financial situation, she has 2 childrens, i had to addapt to all that and from where i came from, that was a big chunk to handle.
Cheating on her with SP`s was very painful and saddening for me. I felt unhappy and confused. Depressed again. Almost suicidal.
We started to play with the medication again.....secondary effects got me tired and sleepy has hell...
My girlfriend found out i was cheating. She went into my emails and discovered all that shit...man what a war it was.
Little did she knew i was in therapy to try to stop that behavior and maybe save my couple.
And to this day i`m still in therapy with my psychologist trying to understand my behavior.
My psy says that i need to become way more independant and autonomous.
Move out from your mother`s house and go live alone and try to learn to be a man....
Damm! Have i knew it all came down to this. No i have no more GF and i`m back at mom`s house.
I once asked my psy: if i was going out with the girl of my dreams. You think i still would cheat on her. Oh yes she said. For shure.
I said ``even if it`s the most beautiful girl of my dreams?`` She was convinced that in the mental state that i am, i would still cheat on miss universe.
Dude! That`s a hard hit!
Ok so enough of the psy`s versions.
Here`s my theory.
The way I see SP`s is they are there to please certain needs and fantasies.
I like the feeling of big boobs and i like bubble butts. I like soft toned skin. I like giving rimjob to a clean ass. I like receiving CIMWS. I like long and nice legs.
So how can i deny that? Is it wrong to like women with round butts and soft skin?
This is how i tend to analyse the situation. That`s where i`m at now. Trying to accept myself like i am or change?
Please help by sharing your thoughts.
I mean, nobody`s going to stop my desire for women....
