Did you ever get a greeting like this from your wife or girlfriend.
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Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
Police warning to all men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer in used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer in used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said "I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will have sex with you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called
her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you
can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell
me what happens".
An hour and a half later, the woman called her girlfriend
back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The woman said, "That Son Of A Bitch had $500
in quarters!
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called
her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you
can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell
me what happens".
An hour and a half later, the woman called her girlfriend
back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The woman said, "That Son Of A Bitch had $500
in quarters!
Difference between "guts" and "balls"
What is the difference between "guts" and "balls"? "Guts" is when a married man comes home late in the wee hours of the morning after partying with his buddies all night. When he opens the door and sees his wife waiting for him holding a broom, he says: "Are you still cleaning or are you ready to fly off into the night?"
"Balls" is when the married man comes home smelling like a woman's perfume. When his wife confronts him, he slaps her ass saying: "Don't worry baby, you're next!"
What is the difference between "guts" and "balls"? "Guts" is when a married man comes home late in the wee hours of the morning after partying with his buddies all night. When he opens the door and sees his wife waiting for him holding a broom, he says: "Are you still cleaning or are you ready to fly off into the night?"
"Balls" is when the married man comes home smelling like a woman's perfume. When his wife confronts him, he slaps her ass saying: "Don't worry baby, you're next!"
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Public Service Announcement
Make sure you pass these words of wisdom on to your children and grandchildren:
http://www.box.net/public/static/h55hdgvrdv.mov
Make sure you pass these words of wisdom on to your children and grandchildren:
http://www.box.net/public/static/h55hdgvrdv.mov
Jesse and the Devil
Jesse and the Devil:
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I! have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept ! diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"
The Devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Jesse.
The Devil op! ened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said . . . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Jesse and the Devil:
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I! have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept ! diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"
The Devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Jesse.
The Devil op! ened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said . . . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Jokes only Quebecers really get
Jeff Foxworthy on Quebec
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you live in Quebec
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Quebec.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the
year, you live in Quebec.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you live in Quebec. (Not to mention that mine keeps his long
underwear on until long into June.)
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Quebec .
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Quebec.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE QUEBECER IF:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Plattsburg for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back
again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Albany ... (Where's Albany, south of
Newport?)
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Quebec friends.
Jeff Foxworthy on Quebec
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you live in Quebec
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you
live in Quebec.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the
year, you live in Quebec.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you live in Quebec. (Not to mention that mine keeps his long
underwear on until long into June.)
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Quebec .
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Quebec.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE QUEBECER IF:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Plattsburg for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back
again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Albany ... (Where's Albany, south of
Newport?)
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Quebec friends.
Oliver
Your list on police comments were great and reminded of another list about Quantas (Australian national airline) aircraft maintenance reports. Obviously these people have a sense of humour.
MakeIt
AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "squawk list," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the squawk list before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Your list on police comments were great and reminded of another list about Quantas (Australian national airline) aircraft maintenance reports. Obviously these people have a sense of humour.
MakeIt
AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "squawk list," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the squawk list before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
two sisters
two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slow. - - - - "com-for-da-bul
two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slow. - - - - "com-for-da-bul
Free Sex With Fill-Up
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week
women and golf
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where," he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
In honor of Easter ...
OK - since it's Easter, how about a joke about the Energizer Bunny?
>What happens when you take out the Energizer Bunny's batteries and then put them back in backwards?
-He keeps coming, and coming, and coming, ......
OK - since it's Easter, how about a joke about the Energizer Bunny?
>What happens when you take out the Energizer Bunny's batteries and then put them back in backwards?
-He keeps coming, and coming, and coming, ......
How about some slightly sacreligious Easter humor???
Here are two jokes about Easter that I remember got some of my friends back in Catholic grammar school into big-ass trouble!
#1) On the crucifix, above the head of Jesus, is the inscription : "INRI".
What does it mean?
I 'm N ailed R ight I n
#2) Did you hear that Easter is cancelled?
They found the body.
I know, I know. I'm going straight to Hell for that last one.
Je regrete - je suis une Catholique tres mal!
(Is my French correct? - LOL)
Here are two jokes about Easter that I remember got some of my friends back in Catholic grammar school into big-ass trouble!
#1) On the crucifix, above the head of Jesus, is the inscription : "INRI".
What does it mean?
I 'm N ailed R ight I n
#2) Did you hear that Easter is cancelled?
They found the body.
I know, I know. I'm going straight to Hell for that last one.
Je regrete - je suis une Catholique tres mal!
(Is my French correct? - LOL)
Jokes only Quebecers really get (thanks sl)
The Official Quebecer Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Quebecers plant gardens.
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Quebecers sunbathe.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
• Italian Cars won't start
• Quebecers drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
• Distilled water freezes
• Quebecer water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Quebecers have the last cookout of the season.
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Quebecers rent some videos.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Quebecer Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Quebecers pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Quebecers get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Quebecers start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
The Official Quebecer Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Quebecers plant gardens.
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Quebecers sunbathe.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
• Italian Cars won't start
• Quebecers drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
• Distilled water freezes
• Quebecer water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Quebecers have the last cookout of the season.
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Quebecers rent some videos.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Quebecer Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Quebecers pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Quebecers get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Quebecers start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
He Said/She Said
He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said ... You wear pants don't you?
He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it ... "I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said ... You wear pants don't you?
He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it ... "I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Drug Names
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as
a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be
possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with
them.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as
a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be
possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being
spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with
them.
Solutions to USA's Problems
I found this in my e-mail inbox this morning and just had to pass it on. It was just one of those hilarious e-mails that you get on a Friday morning that start off the final day of the work week with a laugh.
With all the challenges facing the United States these days, here's a way we can solve a couple of problems simultaneously :
1) Dig a moat the entire length of the Mexican border,
2) Use the dirt from the excavation to raise the levees in New Orleans,
3) Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve for you today?
I found this in my e-mail inbox this morning and just had to pass it on. It was just one of those hilarious e-mails that you get on a Friday morning that start off the final day of the work week with a laugh.
With all the challenges facing the United States these days, here's a way we can solve a couple of problems simultaneously :
1) Dig a moat the entire length of the Mexican border,
2) Use the dirt from the excavation to raise the levees in New Orleans,
3) Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve for you today?
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