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Joke Thread

HonestAbe

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Why do Scottsmen like to fuck sheep next to the edge of a cliff?

The sheep push back into it.
 

HonestAbe

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What does a Scottsman's girlfriend say to turn him on?


Baa-aa-aa-aa-aa.
 

StripperLover

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Posting for new job...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes " he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%....a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off."
The interviewer then tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 AM.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"
"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we sit around scratching our balls.....no point in your coming
in for that."
 

HonestAbe

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Question.

If two houses burn down on a Tuesday afternoon and one house is owned by a family of four in Alabama and the other by a family of four in Massachussetts which family is more likely to survive?

The family of four in Massachussetts.

Why?

The parents are at work and the kids are at school.
 

HonestAbe

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Famous last words.

What is the last thing usually said by a guy from Alabama before getting into a fatal car accident?

Hold my beer, watch this!
 

StripperLover

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Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,
> yells Where in The hell
> have you been;
>
> He replies, I was out getting a tattoo.
>
> A tattoo she frowned.What kind of tattoo did you get
>
> I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,he said
> proudly.
>
> What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking
> her head in disdain;
>
> Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
> dollar bill tattooed on his
> privates?
>
> Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow,
>
> and two; once in a while I like to play with my
> money,
>
> three; I like how money feels in my hand
>
> and lastly; instead of you going out shopping,
>
> you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
> bucks anytime you want.
 

StripperLover

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At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.


This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the "test."

Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.



Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..



You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.


You'll be surprised.



Start:


How much is:
15 + 6

























3 + 56



























89 + 2

























12 + 53





































75 + 26




































25 + 52





























63 + 32
































I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! nearly over..


Come on, one more! ...


























123 + 5























































QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!










































Scroll further to the bottom....












































A bit more...




















You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
 

naughtylady

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I said brown hammer, Vince said blue hammer, we did this test at the same time. So we are like most poeple on tool but relatively unique on colour? So what does this mean? BUBKIS!!!

I am going to play with my PURPLE VIBRATOR!

Ronnie,
Naughtylady
 

naughtylady

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A couple are sitting beside eachother on the couch when suddenly she looks at him and throws him a good punch.

"What was that for?"

"THAT, was for 20 years of lousy sex."

... a few moments later he smacks her one.

"What was that for?"

"THAT, was for knowing the difference."
 

StripperLover

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Dedication ?

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he
noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other
side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the
first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the
biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find Someone
else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
 

StripperLover

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Friday Quickie

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday
 

HonestAbe

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Neat.

naughtylady said:
I said brown hammer, Vince said blue hammer, we did this test at the same time. So we are like most poeple on tool but relatively unique on colour? So what does this mean? BUBKIS!!!

I am going to play with my PURPLE VIBRATOR!

Ronnie,
Naughtylady

I said blue hammer too! Purple vibrator sounds like much more fun though! Not for me mind you but for a lady.
 

spin

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The Canadian Way

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the
cold.
THE END

THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper
with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table
laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of
the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special
from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the
ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity
and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home.
The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around
him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames
it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised
by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, which
promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
 

Fat Happy Buddha

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A doctor visit

A man steps into a doctor's office for his annual checkup. The new young doctor takes one look at the man and says, "My god, you look really terrible."

The man responds, "But I feel good."

The doctor says, "Are you sure? You look really terrible."

The man again responds, "Doctor, I assure you, I feel good."

The doctor is perplexed, so he pulls out his medical dictionary and starts leafing through it. "Let's see," he says, "looks terrible, but feels good....looks terrible, feels good....uh-huh....uh-huh.....yes, here it is. Looks terrible, feels good..........You're a vagina."
 

Bob Binette

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> She was Soooooooo Blonde .
> * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> * She thought General Motors was in the army.
> * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
> * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:"she wrote
> "Sagittarius."
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
>
> She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She tripped over a cordless phone.
> * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
> "Concentrate."
> * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
> * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>
> She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She studied for a blood test.
> * She sold the car for gas money.
> * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
> * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
> Left," she turned around and went home.
>
> She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
> * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
> * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
> Goes In Front."
> * She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
 

spin

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*She was fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the ones with W's on them.*
 

HonestAbe

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School Fund Raiser

So the local school has a one day fund raiser and there is a contest for who can generate the most money amongst the students.

Most kids raise between $50 -$100, but one particular boy just blows the socks off of all the others by raising nearly $2,000.00 and wins the contest easily.

The Principal congratulates the boy and gives him his prize for being the best fundraiser. During this time the Principal asks the boy how he managed to do so well.

The boy replied "Well, I sold Mouthwash." "Mouthwash?!" the Principal replies incredulously. "Yes" said the boy. "How did you make that much money selling mouthwash in one day?!" asked the shocked administrator. "Well, I found the busiest pedestrian intersection in the city and I set up a chip and dip sample stand." "How did chips and dip make people want to buy mouthwash?!" the dumbfounded Pricipal asked the boy. "Well, every time someone tried a chip with dip they would yell 'Hey that tastes like shit!!' and I would reply 'It is shit, wanna buy some mouthwash?' " :eek:
 

StripperLover

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The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian & the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope & Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer & a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up & declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, & that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten and I couldn't continue"

Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
 

Bob Binette

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A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
 

HonestAbe

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An elderly woman tells her Dr. that her husband can't get it up anymore as he has gotten older. She says they haven't made love in years and she desperately wants to be intimate with her husband again. The Dr. says he will give her some Viagra to give to him and to report back how it works out.

She comes back a week later and the Dr. asks what happened.
She tells her Dr. "Well he took it just before we ate dinner one night. About twenty minutes passed and all of a sudden he jumped up out of his chair, threw me on the table and screwed my brains out." "Good!" said the Dr. looking pleased with the success of his prescription, but to his surprise the old woman said "NO, NOT good!" He replied "What do you mean?" and she answered "I'll never be able to show my face in McDonalds again."
 
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