Joke Thread

[StripperLover]

> Nurse Can You Answer My Question
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over
> his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
> surgical procedure.
> A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
> "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to
> wash your upper body and feet."
> He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry
> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls
> back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his
> testicles in the other.
> Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them,
> Sir!"
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
> "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
> closely.....
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
> A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

Stewie Griffin sound board (baby in Family Guy)

My favorite is, I went for it and it was worth it.

The Stewie Griffin Soundboard

 

[StripperLover]

Belinda

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
Into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college hockey team 30 yrs ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

Isn't that a sweet story for NumbNuts

(from http://www.docreno.com/noshit.php)
A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where
are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words
and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A GODDAMNED BAR!
THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" . . . . . ...............



. . and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[Techman]

Funny vid

You really have to check this video out. It's a short clip but I think it's funny as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/?v=K2tSDHEp7gc

 

[StripperLover]

PBS show

This Old House

 

[HonestAbe]

Two life long buddies are hanging out one night when one turns to the other and asks, "Do you like having sex with a woman who has stretch marks all over her body? You know, the short kind that weighs well over 250 lbs with a belly roll that makes it impossible for her to see her feet? The kind of woman who sits in front of the TV all day and eats cheese doodles and ice cream. The kind of woman who works up a sweat and runs out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs. The kind of woman who needs help getting up from a sitting position? The kind of woman who has vericose veins all over the back of her thighs with lots of "cottage cheese" dimples? The kind of woman who looks like a waffle when she gets up off a lawn chair. You know, the kind of woman who can't wash between her butt cheeks because she can't reach that far around her back? Do you like having sex with that kind of woman?"

His buddy replies "No, why?"

To which he exclaims in disbelief "Then why are you nailing my wife?!?"

 

[Jade4u]

This is hilarious

We went out for lunch, since he was running errands and had a handy car. Sitting at the table waiting for food, I took a playful chomp on his finger. He complained. I hid. A minute later I tried to bite it again, and he gave me a sarcastic look.

"But you put other things in my mouth," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but you won't bite me there," he stated.

"Maybe. Maybe I will," I sniffed in protest.

"Then maybe you won't have a Master," he warned. I thought about that for a few seconds.

"I'd have a Mistress?"

He shook his head in defeat, grinning.

 

[PCGuy]

Something to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

 

[HonestAbe]

What do you call a Hasidic rap group? 2-live Jew.

What do you call an old white guy surrounded by black guys? Coach

What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist.

Whats the difference between a pizza and a redneck? A pizza will feed a family of four.

Whats the best place to hide money from a redneck? Under the soap.

Whats the difference between aspirin and rednecks? Aspirin works.

Why was alchohol invented? So the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

Whats a Mexican Virgin? A girl who can run faster than her brother.

What do you call a woman who cuts people open to get at their insides. A surgeon, you sexist.

 

[naughtylady]

The sensitive guy

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.

She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[naughtylady]

New Living Will Form (sort of ...)

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish
to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended
on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one
of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a Bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a
day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to
come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise
their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _____________________

Date:__________________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The
patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. (Sounds like my
kind of Nursing Home)

 

[Hornee]

Elton John

Did you hear that Elton John is getting divorced?


He found out his partner is having sex behind his back.

 

[Hornee]

Bald??

Bald, I am not bald...I am just getting more head!

 

[Mike Mercury]

A baby seal walked into a club....


A baby seal walked into a bar. Barman asks "what'll you have?" Seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club"

 

[naughtylady]

A southern gent in Vegas

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,

"Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a
piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,

"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now,
so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked,

"Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just
did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from
in Alabamer we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah
for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

 

[Sadie]

Okay, since I couldn't read the whole 11 PAGES (!) of this thread, I hope this isn't a repeat, forgive me if it is

So Joe, who works as a builder, is expecting his firstborn anyday now.
He gets to work, and his friend Fred is like, 'How's it going Joe?'
and Joe's like 'Great great, any day now any day!!'
Then his cell phone rings.
He answers it, its the doctor and his wife is in labour at the hospital!
He quickly gets time off, rushes to the hospital, the doctor comes up to him and says 'Sorry mate, you just missed it! She already gave birth!'
So Joe says, 'Wow! Is it a girl or a boy? Can I see him??'
The doctor says, 'Yep! I'll bring him out for you right away!'
The doctor goes into the room, and returns with a bouncing baby 'Its a handsome baby boy!' The doctor is bouncing the baby and throwing him up in the air. Joe is like 'Oh! Please don't do that! He might get hurt! Give him to me!' The doctor is chuckling and still continues to throw the baby, 'Okay!'
He says brightly, 'Here you go! Your beautiful baby boy!' The doctor hurls the baby at the wall, he slams against it and falls on the ground.
'Oh my god!' Joe screams and runs over to his baby son lying on the ground.
'Only joking! Stillborn!' Says the doctor.

 

[Bob Binette]

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

 

[StripperLover]

Don't you feel like doing this to at least one person a day?

http://www.filelodge.com/files/hdd5/96089/image001.gif

 

[StripperLover]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The

father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out

anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then

I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We

sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that

neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit

the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male