Joke Thread

[StripperLover]

Scamming

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at the Yorkdale Shopping Centre in Toronto, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking 20 something women come to your car as you are leaving the mall and while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Vaughan Mills Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you.

At this point, the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be very careful.

 

[StripperLover]

Blondes

>>I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
>> >would not allow
>> > >me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
>> > >then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside
>> >down on the
>> > >ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde)
>> >asked me what I
>> > >was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
>> >so that the
>> > >Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A
>> >few minutes
>> > >later the Boss came into the office and asked "What >are you
>> >doing ?" I
>> > >told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed

>

>> >out. Go
>> > >home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and
>> >walked out of
>> > >the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the
>> >Boss asked her
>> > >"...And where do you think you're going?"
>> > >
>> > >( You're gonna love this..... )
>> > >

>
>
>
>
>
>

>> > >
>> > >
>> > >She said, ! "I'm g! oing home too, I can't work in the dark!"

 

[StripperLover]

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

 

[StripperLover]

Makes Some Sense to Me !

The wife comes Home early & finds her husband in their master
bedroom
making love to a beautiful,
sexy young lady! > > "You
unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you > do >
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm > leaving
this > house, I want a divorce!" > > The
husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at
least
listen to what happened" > >
"Hummmmm, I don't know,
well it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you
unfaithful pig you" > > The
husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this > young
lady asks for a ride. I saw
her so defenseless that I went ahead
and > allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very
thin,
not well > dres
sed
and very dirty. She mentioned
that she had not eaten for 3 days.
With
great > compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed
up
the enchiladas > that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're > afraid > you'll gain weight;
the poor thing, practically devours them. > > Since she was
very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was >
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I >
threw her > clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I
gave her
the pair of
jeans
that you have had for a few years,
that you can no longer wear because they > are too tight on
you, I also gave her the blouse that I
gave you on > our > anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste. > > I gave her the pullover that my
sister gave you for Christmas that > you >
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave
her the boots
that you > bought at the expensive boutique that you never
wore
again after you > saw > your co-worker wearing the same
pair."
The husband continues his
story . . . "The young woman was
very > grateful > to me and I walked her to the door. When
we
got to the door she
turned
around and with tears coming
out of her eyes, she asks me: > > "Sir, do
you have
anything else that your wife does not use?"

 

[wildonion]

irish/Guinness jokes

Which is better?

1.)
This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "Hey, pal, I don't mind bringing’em one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold."

"Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one stayed home, the other is in Australia, and I’m here in Canada. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened.

With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?"

The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2.)
An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another glass.
The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

 

[StripperLover]

Vasectomies...

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to give him a hand job.

Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him oral sex.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets oral sex?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross.

 

[Fat Happy Buddha]

Sex on the Cheap

A guy was in a strange town and feeling lonely. He found a brothel and knocked on the door. The madam answered and welcomed him in. However, when she asked him how much money he wanted to spend, he had to admit that he only had twenty dollars.

To the man's surprise, the madam didn't seem the least bit concerned. She took his twenty dollars and told him to go up to Room 2B, where he would find some company. The man went up to Room 2B, open the door and walked in. The room was dimly lit, but after his eyes adjusted he could see that there was a turkey in the corner. "A turkey?" he thought. "Do you mean that I spent twenty dollars for sex with a turkey?"

However, not being one to throw away money, he figured he might as well make the best of it. He walked over, picked up the turkey and had sex with it. After that, he was understandably embarrassed, and he slinked out of the brothel.

A week later, he was feeling lonely again, so he went back to the same brothel. The madam met him at the door and once again asked him how much money he had. He told her, with a slight tinge of pride, that he had forty dollars. "Oh," she said, "That will get you into Room 4B." The man almost ran up the stairs.

When he opened the door, however, there was a small theatre facility with about thirty chairs. On this night the theatre was almost full with men and a few women looking up at a huge TV screen that was showing two men having sex.

He was not happy. He turned to another guy and said, "Forty bucks to watch gay porn? That a bit much, isn't it?" The man turned to him and responded, "Actually, you're here on a good night. Last week they showed a guy having sex with a turkey."

 

[Left Coast]

The Bush Administration

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along; and finally,

10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

 

[Ted2005]

Texas Salesman

> >
> >A young guy from Texas moved to California and went to a big department
> store looking for a job.
> >
> >The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >
> >The boy replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
> >
> >The boss liked the boy so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow," he
told the boy," Ill come down after
> we close and see how you did."
> >
> >His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
> >
> >After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked the boy,
"How
> many sales did you make today?"
> >
> >The boy replied, "One."
> >
> >The boss yelled, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day.
> How much was the sale for?"
> >
> >The boy said, "$101,237.00."
> >
> >The boss gasped, "$101,237.00? What the hell did you sell?"
> >
> >The boy replied,"Well,first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him
a
> medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod and tackle box. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so
we went
> down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and
sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
> >
> >The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
> >
> >"No," the boy replied," he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

 

[StripperLover]

Election

Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says,
chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right
now and make someone very happy."
Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills
out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and
make 32 million people happy."

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

Blonde joke I invented

Blonde driver to a friend,
"I'm so gorgeous, guys even flash their car headlights at me on the highway!"

&*^*&% blonde, left lane on the 20 heading out of downtown, never exceeding 80 - and braking often. Finally got out because a van was doing less than her in the middle lane, just before Dorval circle....
...and Yes, she was Blonde!!!

 

[StripperLover]

Solidarity

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
Husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man
Called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

An excellent girl

Sailor into town meets a hot hooker, asks how much for a hj

- 100 bucks
Whoa, that's expensive!
- You see these boobs? I paid them just with hj, it's that good.
So he pays, and it's wonderful. He's hooked.
​

Back in town, he searches her out again. How much for a bj?

- 300 bucks
Whoa, that's expensive!
- You see that vintage Camaro parked there? I paid that just with bj, it's that good.
So he pays, and it's wonderful. He's hooked.
​

Back in town, he searches her out again. How much for fs?

- You see those riverside condos? Not one, the whole complex!
Whoa, so fs must be extremely expensive!
- No, it's what I could buy if I had a pussy...
​

 

[StripperLover]

Women can be a bit insensitive

At times................. women can be a bit insensitive.

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given
this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees,
and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more
time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And
they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls
over & falls asleep.

Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses
& turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in
the morning. You don't."

 

[StripperLover]

Theft

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she
went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that
she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Left Coast]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and, then asks him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biometry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot, so he walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your I.Q.?"
The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, NASCAR, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns. The robot serves him and asks, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says....very slowly...."So....'ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

 

[donny brasco]

I recently picked a new physician. After two visits and
> exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
> "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
>
> He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
>
> "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
>
> Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
>
> I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
>
> "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
> hiking, or bicycling?"
>
> No, I don't," I said.
>
> He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
>
> "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
> He looked at me and said,
> "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?
>
>

 

[pepito_514]

Il y a une vieille joke a propos de 5 gars qui sont sur une ile ... est ce que qqn la connais ?

 

[donny brasco]

Redneck Vasectomy

Hillbilly Vasectomy
> >
> >After having their 11th child, a North Georgia
> Mountain couple decided
> >11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger
> bed.
> >
> >So the husband went to his veterinarian and told
> him that he and his
> >cousin didn't want to have any more children.
> >
> >The doctor told him that there was a procedure
> called a vasectomy that
> >could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A
> less costly alternative,
> >said the
> >doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
> (fireworks are legal in the North
> >Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty
> beer can, then hold the
> >can up to his ear and count to 10.
> >
> >The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> smartest man in the
> >world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
> in a beer can next to my
> >ear is
> >going to help me."
> >
> >"Trust me, " said the doctor.
> >
> >So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
> in a beer can. He
> >held the can up to his ear and began to count:
> >
> >"1"
> >
> >"2"
> >
> >"3"
> >
> >"4"
> >
> >"5" ..........
> >
> >At which point he paused, placed the beer can
> between his legs, and resumed
> >counting on his other hand.
> >
> >This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,
> West Virginia,
> >Arkansas and parts of Missouri, and of course
> Newfoundland.

 

[ck_nj]

I know this joke is old but I still love it:

Why do Canadians enjoy sex doggie-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game on TV.