Joke Thread

[CryWolf]

So, three guys on their way to a Xmas party are suddenly killed when their car skids off the road during a sleet storm.

All three of them suddenly find themselves in heaven where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"I can't let you in," says St. Peter, "unless each one of you show me something that is Christmasy."

Well, the first guy searches his shirt pockets and pants and pulls out a Zippo lighter and flicks it.

"What's that suppose to be," asks St. Peter.

"A candle," the guys says. "Ok, you can enter heaven."

"Ok, who's next?" asks St. Peter.

The next guy starts going through his pockets and pulls out some car keys and starts to jingle them.

"What's that suppose to be," asks St. Peter.

"They're bells," the second guy says. St. Peter says, "ok, you can enter heaven."

Well, the third guy starts going through his pockets looking for a Zippo lighter or car keys and doesn't find anything. Then, he feels something in his back pocket and pulls out a pair of women's underwear.

"What the heck are those suppose to be," St. Peters asks.

"They're Carols."

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

GAME 1 - First Massage as a Zork Text Adventure

.LOOK
You are in your tiny shabby appartment, on the eigth floor of a rundown complex. You are lying down in your bed that is part bedroom part livingroom. Ahead of you is a computer desk overflowing with unpaid bills, newspapers. Small kitchen flanked by even smaller bathroom.

.GO TO COMPUTER
You are standing over the computer.

.USE KEYBOARD
Lots of clicking noise, but nothing happens.

.HELP
Available commands: LOOK, GO, EXIT, USE, PRESS, TAKE, TURN, TALK, OPEN

.USE COMPUTER
Nothing happens. Perhaps you should turn it on first.

.OPEN COMPUTER
You hunt around your desk, and on the floor, but you just don't find the appropriate screwdriver required to open the computer. Basically, nothing happened.

.TURN COMPUTER ON
Loud beep, turbines churning, computer screen showing cryptic BIOS information. Some ten minutes later, a familiar MW logo appears. Lots of random noises issuing from the computer, as if a party of gnomes were building something inside. Slight smell of ozone.
Another five minutes brings us to the familiar computer desktop, complete with a Start button on the lower left side, and Viagra publicity in a small window.

.OPEN INTERNET EXPLORER
Oh, you shouldn't have done that. There are now hundreds of publicity windows on top of each other, completely obscuring the computer desktop. Some of these publicity windows show naked women in lewd positions, but you only see parts of these interesting pictures, as more windows open on top of those windows.
After just tow minutes of this, the computer rewards you with a bright blue screen and gray white text, announcing that a critical error has occured with a file called EXPLORER.EXE and the computer needs to be restarted.

Strangely, the computer reboots itself on it's own, so you think this a good sign. However ten minutes later the bright blue screen returns, with a different message: File EXPLORER.EXE is missing or invalid, rebooting in 30 seconds...

* GAME OVER *

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

GAME 2 - First Massage as a Zork Text Adventure

.LOOK
You are in your tiny shabby appartment, on the eigth floor of a rundown complex. You are lying down in your bed that is part bedroom part livingroom. Ahead of you is a computer desk overflowing with unpaid bills, newspapers. Small kitchen flanked by even smaller bathroom.

.GO TO COMPUTER
You are standing over the computer.

.USE KEYBOARD
Lots of clicking noise, but nothing happens.

.HELP
Available commands: LOOK, GO, EXIT, USE, PRESS, TAKE, TURN, TALK, OPEN

.LOOK NEWSPAPER
An assortment is available - Devoir - Journal de Montreal - La Presse.

.LOOK JOURNAL DE MONTREAL
Opening the newspaper randomly, the first thing you notice are the classified ads. At the top right under the heading MASSAGE / EROTIC you notice a rather long alphabetical list.

.TAKE DOWN NUMBER
You take down the first number of the list.

.USE PHONE WITH NUMBER
A man with a soft voice answers, saying that there's room immediately if you are so inclined.

.TALK OK
He asks for your first name, and confirms that he is waiting.

.EXIT APPARTMENT
You get rapidly dressed and BMW (Bus Metro Walk) to the downtown address that is east of St-Laurent street.
You arrive at the massage parlour, where a man greets you. You pay the required fee, and he escorts you to a tiny massage room. He indicates that you should get naked and lie down on the table, someone will be here shortly.


.LOOK
It is very dark, damp, just a candle is lit. You are lying naked face down on a semi-soft massage table.
The door opens and a six-foot travestite walks in, asking in a manly voice if you'd like to review the options.

You scream loudly and pass out. When you come to, you are semi-dressed in a back alley, and all your cash money is gone.

* GAME OVER *

 

[CantSeeMrHappy]

GAME 3 - First Massage as a Zork Text Adventure

.LOOK
You are in your tiny shabby appartment, on the eigth floor of a rundown complex. You are lying down in your bed that is part bedroom part livingroom. Ahead of you is a computer desk overflowing with unpaid bills, newspapers. Small kitchen flanked by even smaller bathroom.

.GO TO COMPUTER
You are standing over the computer.

.TURN COMPUTER ON
Loud beep, turbines churning, computer screen showing cryptic BIOS information. Some ten minutes later, a familiar MW logo appears. Lots of random noises issuing from the computer, as if a party of gnomes were building something inside. Slight smell of ozone.
Another five minutes brings us to the familiar computer desktop, complete with a Start button on the lower left side, and Viagra publicity in a small window.

.OPEN FIREFOX
Your homepage is intelligently set https://merb.cc. You click on the forums, then Montreal Massage. After a few minutes of reading you realize that some places are very popular with many good reviews, one fine example starts with the letter K.

.TAKE DOWN NUMBER
You take down the number of the K massage place.

.USE PHONE WITH NUMBER
A woman with a soft voice answers, saying that there`s room immediately if you are so inclined, at least three girls currently available. You can visit their website and choose. You quickly do Ctrl + T to open a new tab, and type K`s website address. What you see delights you, and you pick one of the great looking girls.

.TALK OK
She asks for your first name, and confirms that Kimberly is waiting for you.

.EXIT APPARTMENT
You get rapidly dressed and BMW (Bus Metro Walk) to the downtown address that is east of St-Laurent street.
You arrive at the massage parlour, where a gorgeous receptionist greets you, and says shyly no, she does not do massages. You pay the required fee, and she escorts you to a tiny massage room. She indicates that you should get naked and lie down on the table, a shower before is preferred, Kimberly will be here shortly.

.LOOK
It is very dark, damp, just a candle is lit. You are lying naked face down on a semi-soft massage table.
The door opens and a five-foot-six beauty walks in, asking in a womanly voice if you`d like to review the options.

.TALK OK OPTIONS
She gives you a wonderful smile, deep down you know you`ve made a great choice, albeit an expensive one. At this rate you can only afford to come here once every few months.

* CENSORED BECAUSE SET EXPLICIT IS SET TO OFF *

Congratulations, you have won.
Score 15 / 100
Secrets found: 0
Time 0:3:35

 

[CryWolf]

Secrets for a lasting marriage

10. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

9. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Toronto and mine is in Montreal.



8. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.



7. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.



6. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



5. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!'
So I bought her an electric chair.



4. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.



3. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.



2. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.





and the Number One Secret to Making a Marriage Last. . . . .





1. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

 

[StripperLover]

Is Osama still alive?

Secret Code



After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive",

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he is still in the game.



Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of

coded message: 3 7 0 H S S V - 0 7 7 3 H



Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.



No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to the NASA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked the RCMP in Canada (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) for help.



Within a minute the RCMP cabled the White House with this reply:



"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down".

 

[StripperLover]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety "lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure
as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope
you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" -----
Silence -----followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

 

[Techman]

Cette histoire prend tout son sens surtout depuis l’élection de son nouveau chef.
La veille de sa nuit de noces, un jeune péquiste écoute les dernières recommandations de son père tout aussi péquiste que lui :
- Mon fils, quand tu vas entrer dans la chambre, tu prends ta femme dans tes bras, parce qu'un péquiste, c'est FORT!
Puis, tu la jettes sur le lit, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FIER!
Puis tu te mets tout nu, parce qu'un Québécois c'est BEAU!
Le lendemain de la nuit de noces, son père lui demande comment ça s'est passé.
- J'ai fait comme tu m'as dit. Je l'ai prise dans mes bras pour l'amener dans la chambre, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FORT!
Puis, je l'ai jetée sur le lit, parce qu'un péquiste c'est FIER!
Ensuite, je me suis mis tout nu, parce qu'un péquiste c'est BEAU! - Et puis?
- Et puis, je me suis masturbé!!!
-Masturbé?!
- Oui, parce qu'un péquiste c'est INDÉPENDANT et AUTONOME et HOMOSEXUEL!!!

 

[StripperLover]

Realistically & Potentially

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo

 

[StripperLover]

Life Today

 

[StripperLover]

Heineken Is The Same

 

[StripperLover]

Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential

 

[StripperLover]

Oh Canada...

OH, so true

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying CANADIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in CANADA....

 

[StripperLover]

Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.""Sure," they said, "You're welcome."So they started play and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply."You're joking!" was the response.

"No, really," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said one of the guys. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house."Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can even see my wife in the bedroom! Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.

He's naked, too. The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then do the neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes."Are you going to do it or not?" said the guy impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

 

[StripperLover]

Nooky,

What about the 1st guy ?

 

[StripperLover]

A Jewish Genie

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
> of
> water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the
> sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he
> saw
> a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
>
> He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
> he
> had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or
> two
> left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie . BUT
> this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
> complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
>
> "Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
>
> "I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
> Jewish genie!"
>
>
> "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"
>
> The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
> right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and
> drink."
>
>
> ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
> was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>
> "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
>
> "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
> ** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
>
> The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
> coins and precious gems.
>
> "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good
> vone!"
>
> After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
> where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !"
>
> ** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
>
>
> He was turned into a tampon.
>
> THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
>
> If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be
> a
> string attached.

 

[Joe.t]

Anybody know how to attach a image.gif file to the joke thread from my email inbox?, it is a good one that will have you on the floor laughing if i can get it attached.

 

[CryWolf]

Brokeback Mountain joke

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of thebar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality
is Job One" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!

 

[Joe.t]

This will make you laugh out loud! Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no
Matter what.....



A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right.You are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches,I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She
said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and
the gizzards!!!

 

[StripperLover]

My private part died today

>An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
>nursing home.
>One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
>if there was anything wrong.
>"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today,
>and I am very sad."
>Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
>she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
>condolences."
>The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
>private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
>"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
>like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
>But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that
>my private part died."
>"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
>pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
>"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"