Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
I was offered sex today with a Victoria's Secret model. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on a public forum. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleanser, now available in lemon scent and vanilla.
A recent study found that doggie is now the most used sex position for married couples, the man begs for it and the woman rolls over and plays dead.
Premature ejaculator seeking fit woman for no frills fun, must have full lips, large breasts, long legs, pert backside.....
Oh God...
Never mind.
Oh God...
Never mind.
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group's departure
date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he
can't go, but what can they do. Three days later the three get into the camping site to find john sitting there
with his tent set up, firewood gathered and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer. "Heck John, how
long have you been here, and how did you get your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up
behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was,
wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose
petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading "50 Shades of Grey"...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, boys, here I am.
date, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he
can't go, but what can they do. Three days later the three get into the camping site to find john sitting there
with his tent set up, firewood gathered and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer. "Heck John, how
long have you been here, and how did you get your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up
behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was,
wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose
petals all over the place. Well, she's been reading "50 Shades of Grey"...
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, boys, here I am.
When going for a walk in the woods at night with your girlfriend/wife and she says she is scared the incorrect reply is not " Why are you scared, I am the one who has to walk out alone ".
Once I came back from work early and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I grabbed my wife threw her out of the house with all of her belongings and told her never to come back. Then I went into my bedroom grabbed my best friend by the ears and said " bad dog " !
Once I cam back from a saturday morning run only to find my wife all tied up in bed, blindfolded. She said "honey you can do whatever you want!". So I left her there and went fishing
Cheers,
The exact same joke has been written just a few posts above with more details
The exact same joke has been written just a few posts above with more details
Oups did not read that one! Seen mine this morning in a facebook pics that was quite funny
The exact same joke has been written just a few posts above with more details
Thank you, :kiss: i like the long version
SO this American businessman is visiting Japan for a few days. He decides to go to a Geisha house, and meets a really beautiful girl. But they can't really talk, they can't speak each other language. So they go off to a dark room and start making out. It's getting really hot and he starts pounding away. As things get more intense she starts yelling "Oki Saka" Oki Sake" and he figures she must really love this....this continues and continues and then satisfied he leaves for the day.
The next he meets his Japanese boss and they out playing golf. The boss, hits a hole in one. Tje businessman starts yelling "Oki Saka" Oki Saka. The boss looks at him and says "What do you mean "Wrong hole???"
The next he meets his Japanese boss and they out playing golf. The boss, hits a hole in one. Tje businessman starts yelling "Oki Saka" Oki Saka. The boss looks at him and says "What do you mean "Wrong hole???"
A couple of nights ago I had solid FS for one hour and 45 seconds, thank you daylight savings time.
When I was born God gave me two choices...I could either have a great memory Or be great in bed. SHIT! now i forgot what I was going to tell you!
Everyone knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Now that we are into that taxing time of year..There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist—the taxidermist leaves the hide.”
•“Tax reform is when you take the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and put taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.”
Now back to looking for deductibles:yo:
•“Tax reform is when you take the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and put taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.”
Now back to looking for deductibles:yo:
I write comedy sketches, however I am so shy that I only write them, nobody ever hears them.....
I wrote this years ago and it seems appropriate today. Enjoy
I wish I were a funny guy, but a funny guy makes people laugh at bad jokes. Johnny Carson was the mater of this. For me to be successful I need a great joke, exact timing, a wonderful delivery and a bleary eyed drunk audience that spontaneously laughs whenever I say the word “erection”. Now, I figger, those elements come together as often as a solar eclipse. That’s why I call myself an ecliptic comic. So, I am not always funny but if any of you guys are planning a comedian for your next solar eclipse party….I am your man. WTF Today is the day!!!!
I wrote this years ago and it seems appropriate today. Enjoy
I wish I were a funny guy, but a funny guy makes people laugh at bad jokes. Johnny Carson was the mater of this. For me to be successful I need a great joke, exact timing, a wonderful delivery and a bleary eyed drunk audience that spontaneously laughs whenever I say the word “erection”. Now, I figger, those elements come together as often as a solar eclipse. That’s why I call myself an ecliptic comic. So, I am not always funny but if any of you guys are planning a comedian for your next solar eclipse party….I am your man. WTF Today is the day!!!!
My mom used to say to me. Anton, am I a bad mother?
I would reply, my name is Paul.
............................................................................................................................................
After work I help blind children.
BTW....... Verb, not adjective.
I would reply, my name is Paul.
............................................................................................................................................
After work I help blind children.
BTW....... Verb, not adjective.
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