Joke Thread

[nylonlover]

Joke

So an SP who was visiting Las Vegas decided to place some sports bets and was chatting with the oddsmaker on the odds for whichever NHL team to win the Stanley Cup.
She wasn't too sure, but she wanted to take a chance anyways.
For some reason she was magnetized towards and kept talking about how she felt the Columbus Blue Jackets would possibly win. The oddsmaker replied, yup... CBJ..that's a safe bet! :bounce:

 

[Like_It_Hot]

Reading an other thread on the evolution of prices on nude dances in Quebec, an old "mon oncle" joke came to my mind but I decided not to corrupt the thread. But here the occasion is perfect... it goes like this. Mind you, you should know that in the 70's there were some bars selling big bottles of beer (about 30 ounces, opposed to 12 ounces, regular size). On the wall, the price of dances, $5 at that time, and then prices of different alcools.

So a guy get in a bar around 5pm and picked a girl for 4 dances. After the deed, he gave her $10. She was feeling bad and asked for the extra $10. The guy sticked to his priced and asked the bouncer for arbitration. The bouncer said the girl was right but the client insisted that he was right. What is your argument asked the bouncer. The client replied: "Look on the wall, it is stated that during the Happy Hour, the BIG one is at 2 for $5... and this girl is the bigger here.:bounce:

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Man bored to death by vegan

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/21/man-dies-boredom-chance-meeting-vegan-crossfit/

 

[heliragedeleted]

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/21/man-dies-boredom-chance-meeting-vegan-crossfit/

This would be perfect on Sunday!

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

A message from women.

https://www.facebook.com/BBCOne/videos/1479604495482047/

 

[lady_lover]

That's why we pay for it, we don't have to put up with that bullshit

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Funny...IMO

https://www.facebook.com/iheartmindypage/videos/1316728908419240/

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes.

 

[Lloyd's of London]

Did you hear about the woman that had a PhD and worked as an escort on the side?

She was a fuckin know-it-all!

 

[Thor Jr]

Riddle me this Batman: What gets wet as it dries?

 

[Luvs-mssgs]

:rain:

Riddle me this Batman: What gets wet as it dries?

The towel in Mascarade's shower, that sexy, naked Jade uses to dry my wet body :rain:

 

[Addison]

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On the the prick on the porcupine is on the outside, the BMW has the prick inside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The Hoover has the dirt bag inside, the Harley has the dirt bag hanging outside.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

http://babylonbee.com/news/breaking-hazmat-scene-college-student-may-exposed-opposing-worldview/

 

[lady_lover]

This guy is walking in the hospital corridor and sees a nurse giving a patient a hand job. He stops and says what's going on? The nurse says, "He's got a rare disease where if he doesn't have an orgasim every 4 hour he has convulsions".
So the guy says Ok...
The next day the guy is visiting again and he sees the same nurse giving another guy a blow job. "What's up with that?" he says.
The nurse replies "Better insurance"

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Yesterday I was at my local pet store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from PetSmart

 

[heliragedeleted]

A friend opened a strip club and named it G-spot. He had to close it after a week because most men couldn’t find it.

 

[heliragedeleted]

c'est un sondage pour homme sur les felations (pourquoi aimer vous les felations?) 3% ont repondu j'aime la chaleur.. 4% ont dit j'aime la sensation.. 93% ont aimer ce moment de silence!!

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

Edmonton, AB (AP)- A seven-year old boy was at the center of an Edmonton courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Montreal Canadians whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Sol Tee Nutz]

After 8 months of intense training I find out cock fighting is done with chickens. WTF...

 

[heliragedeleted]

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last long if you’re fat