Joke Thread
- Thread starter donbusch
- Start date
[FONT="]Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?" [/FONT]
[FONT="]"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." [/FONT]
[FONT="]"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. [/FONT]
[FONT="]Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. [/FONT]
[FONT="]A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. [/FONT]
[FONT="]"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. [/FONT]
[FONT="]On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" [/FONT]
[FONT="]"It's swollen," Joe replied. [/FONT]
[FONT="]Things went downhill from there.[/FONT]
[FONT="]"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." [/FONT]
[FONT="]"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. [/FONT]
[FONT="]Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. [/FONT]
[FONT="]A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. [/FONT]
[FONT="]"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. [/FONT]
[FONT="]On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" [/FONT]
[FONT="]"It's swollen," Joe replied. [/FONT]
[FONT="]Things went downhill from there.[/FONT]
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!"
This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!"
This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Joke
So an SP who was visiting Las Vegas decided to place some sports bets and was chatting with the oddsmaker on the odds for whichever NHL team to win the Stanley Cup.
She wasn't too sure, but she wanted to take a chance anyways.
For some reason she was magnetized towards and kept talking about how she felt the Columbus Blue Jackets would possibly win. The oddsmaker replied, yup... CBJ..that's a safe bet! :bounce:
So an SP who was visiting Las Vegas decided to place some sports bets and was chatting with the oddsmaker on the odds for whichever NHL team to win the Stanley Cup.
She wasn't too sure, but she wanted to take a chance anyways.
For some reason she was magnetized towards and kept talking about how she felt the Columbus Blue Jackets would possibly win. The oddsmaker replied, yup... CBJ..that's a safe bet! :bounce:
Reading an other thread on the evolution of prices on nude dances in Quebec, an old "mon oncle" joke came to my mind but I decided not to corrupt the thread. But here the occasion is perfect... it goes like this. Mind you, you should know that in the 70's there were some bars selling big bottles of beer (about 30 ounces, opposed to 12 ounces, regular size). On the wall, the price of dances, $5 at that time, and then prices of different alcools.
So a guy get in a bar around 5pm and picked a girl for 4 dances. After the deed, he gave her $10. She was feeling bad and asked for the extra $10. The guy sticked to his priced and asked the bouncer for arbitration. The bouncer said the girl was right but the client insisted that he was right. What is your argument asked the bouncer. The client replied: "Look on the wall, it is stated that during the Happy Hour, the BIG one is at 2 for $5... and this girl is the bigger here.:bounce:
So a guy get in a bar around 5pm and picked a girl for 4 dances. After the deed, he gave her $10. She was feeling bad and asked for the extra $10. The guy sticked to his priced and asked the bouncer for arbitration. The bouncer said the girl was right but the client insisted that he was right. What is your argument asked the bouncer. The client replied: "Look on the wall, it is stated that during the Happy Hour, the BIG one is at 2 for $5... and this girl is the bigger here.:bounce:
Man bored to death by vegan
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/21/man-dies-boredom-chance-meeting-vegan-crossfit/
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/21/man-dies-boredom-chance-meeting-vegan-crossfit/
Did you hear about the woman that had a PhD and worked as an escort on the side?
She was a fuckin know-it-all!
She was a fuckin know-it-all!
:rain:
The towel in Mascarade's shower, that sexy, naked Jade uses to dry my wet body :rain:
The towel in Mascarade's shower, that sexy, naked Jade uses to dry my wet body :rain:
What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
On the the prick on the porcupine is on the outside, the BMW has the prick inside.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Hoover has the dirt bag inside, the Harley has the dirt bag hanging outside.
On the the prick on the porcupine is on the outside, the BMW has the prick inside.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Hoover has the dirt bag inside, the Harley has the dirt bag hanging outside.
This guy is walking in the hospital corridor and sees a nurse giving a patient a hand job. He stops and says what's going on? The nurse says, "He's got a rare disease where if he doesn't have an orgasim every 4 hour he has convulsions".
So the guy says Ok...
The next day the guy is visiting again and he sees the same nurse giving another guy a blow job. "What's up with that?" he says.
The nurse replies "Better insurance"
So the guy says Ok...
The next day the guy is visiting again and he sees the same nurse giving another guy a blow job. "What's up with that?" he says.
The nurse replies "Better insurance"
Yesterday I was at my local pet store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from PetSmart
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from PetSmart
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